On the fence

I have until January to make a decision if i will be staying with my current job.
I'm on the fence.

Some days i'm like "Let's start packing" and others are like "maybe I can tough it one more year".

The pro facts are :

• I have a great job that I enjoy. 
• The staff is really nice and we all get along.
• In the long run, I might have a chance of taking over the business.
• I work and live mostly in French which is nice.

The against fatcs are :

• I hate Sturgeon falls, it is a retirement town.
• I have no friends or life here (and I have tried)
• My family is close but yet too far to just see them when I feel like it. I miss them.
• My job offers no benefits or assurance coverage.
• The pay won't be as better as i thought because of the small intake we get, the boss can't pay all that much more for the staff.
• Did i mention I hate living in a village?

I feel like my professional and personal life are at war, and I don't know what to do.
If i stay, I have a good job....but i'm miserable when I'm not at work.
But if I go, will I be able to find a job just a good AND be happy in my personal life?
It doesn't mean I can get both....but it doesn't mean I can't either.

I keep thinking that I want to go back home (Barrie) because that's where my family is and a couple of friends. It's a big enough town that I can do things if i wanted too when I want too (at least stores don't close at 5pm there) and I can visit friends or family even after a day of work, even if it's for only an hour.
I could have someone to do things with rather then doing everything on my own all the time.
I have better chance of meeting someone that as graduated from highschool, heck from College at least and has better ambition and goals then going for a 4x4 drive in the mud.

I just feel like a recluse where I am now. I love going to work, but I dread going back home for fear of boredom and depression. I recently joined the gym and I have tried to make friends with some of the girls in the classes...but when I try to talk with them, it's as if they are afraid of talking to strangers and just shrug off my attempts to befriend them.Everyone my age are gone to bigger cities, the ones that stayed are welfare, 3 kids, alcool and drugs people.The ones I meet that are O.K, are too busy with their own life to try to include me and when we are together, we have nothing in common because they have never gotten out of the village, for them North Bay is a huge city and exotic food is pan pizza. I've tried to find common grounds, but I'm tired of getting blank stares if I talk about things beside farms, snow and sturgeon falls' poutine.
How am I suppose to date anyone, if all the guys left here have barely graduated from Highschool and spend half the year in the woods hunting (yuck!)
I feel rather lonely here...but i'm happy at work.
But if i go back home, living cost will be bigger, work will be longer (bigger city, more calls) will I find a job that I enjoy as much or be stuck with people I hate working with?

So i have to give an answer on whether I will be staying or not in June.
Am I willing to sacrifice my good job in order to possibly escape depression and find another awesome job.

I was told People go through life hating their job, but I'm lucky  i have a job I love. To suck it up....

but that's the thing..I dread making the decision of staying any longer. I don't want to get sucked in into making my life here. Yes i love my job, but like I said....i'm lonely

should I just tough it up one more year......is that more reasonable? Be a responsible adult, pay off my loan because the cost of living here is cheaper. Have the security of a job with people I already know. Won't have to relearn the ways things are done at a new place. take a easy way.

or should I just challenge myself of finding another suitable job. Perhaps move back home, or rent a crappy appartment in the city. Relearn the way of doing everything because they might do things differently. Meet new people and gain their trust. But have a life that doesn't revolve around work only.

I have to give my answer in January...in 3 weeks.
Also if i am leaving, i need to start sending off my resume to other places in order to get considered for a job before they all hire interns.

I don't know anymore.
My voice of reason is just as confused as me...

The problem is that now I can't just run off to Japan to escape making decision about my future....i wish i could though.

Tuna's first visit!

On december 1st, my sister, her inlaws and my brand new niece came for a visit in Sturgeon Falls, where I live.
Since I live 3hrs away, I don't get to see her often, so I was very happy when they came.
We went for sushi, Tuna's first sushi experience lol
*btw Tuna is my niece's nickname

Then we went about in the village, mostly shopping at the only 2 shopping places we have : The bargain shop and Giant Tiger.

We finished the evening watching some Kanjani8 video and the 1st episode of Ikemen Desu ne (my sister hasn't seen it).

The sleep over was....hmmmm...how to say ....difficult!
Tuna didn't want to sleep at all. She either too hot or too hungry.
she cried every half hour to be fed.
Not the best night!
We probably slept a whole 4 hrs.
We even went for a car ride at 1am to see if she would fall asleep...which she did, until we pulled back in my parking spot, then she woke up!
the next day, we went to North Bay Mall to do some Christmas shopping.
Then we said our goodbye since they had to hit the road back to Barrie.

It was a short visit, but it was good (minus the sleepless night....i love my sleep too much to have a kid now, i think).

She is getting so big fast! Next time i see her, might be for Christmas if the weather allows it!
She will be 2 months old by then!

Christmas is coming!

Well it's December 3rd.
On the 1st, we got hammered with a the first snow fall, all 20 cm!

On the 2nd it was the village's Santa Claus Parade.
It last 2 hrs, then everyone went down by the lake for fireworks.
Most cars in the parades where tractors with lights. Some of them had bonfires on their car...it was kinda cool.

I joined a few of my collegue at the Funeral home where we had pizza for dinner and hot coco.
When the parade started, which goes by right infront of the funeral home, we all gathered at the front salon, where there is a huge window giving on the street.
So we watched the parade from the inside, by the christmas tree.
We also offered free hot coco to the people standing outside in the cold.

Then we all took the walk by the lake.

There was a huge bonfire and the new restaurant (who opened that very night) was giving out free hot dogs (but the line up was crazy! i swear the whole village was there!).

The fire works started around 830pm and lasted 1 hr.

It is officialy the Christmas season in the village now!

I have most of my Christmas shopping done.
I got something for my mom, Chris, my sister and Tristan.
I wanna get something small for my sister's inlaw family. But i don't know what.
It's just since they will be spending Christmas with us, I think i should get them something.
I thought of maybe a giftbasket with local foods in it. Cath?

My Christmas tree is done and the presents are wrapped.
Oh i need to get Ozzy-chan something too, since if the weather is not nice on Christmas weekend, I'm going to have to spend it alone with her. So i better get her something lol

Well that's about it.
Snow is here.
Santa came.
Presents are wrapped.
Hot coco is brewing.
Christmas is almost here!

Note to self

Get myself 2 scales!
1- For my food.
2- For myself.

My current self scale is an old one I got for 1$ at a garage sale. Unfortunetly, It is not 100% accurate. It's one of those  ruler scale, not digital. So i can't tell if I lose 0.5lbs or the likes. I can only round up the numbers.
Any idea where I could find 2 digital scales for a cheap price?

Telephonophobia

This is stupid.
The fear of telephone.

But to a certain extend, I fear that I fear telephones.
It's not like I cry or start hyperventilating every time the phone rings....but my stress level rises up, myhands gets sweaty and my heart beats faster.
I hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate the telephone.

It wasn't always like that. I mean, I never was much of a talker on the phone and didn't call people often, but lately I have realized that I get mild anxiety attacks every time the phone rings.

It's not so much when i'm calling. Because I know who I am calling.
But If i am calling a service number, without knowing who will be answering, I get reluctant and anxious to call.
Usually I would resort to asking my mom or sister to call the number for me.
"I wanna order pizza....oh you do it! call them for me, i gotta go do something" is usually what would happen.
Or thank gawd for online ordering!
If I have to call a company, i always go online to check if they don't offer "chatting" with one of them employee....this way I don't have to call them.
If they don't have that option, it usually takes me a few minutes with lots of convincing in order to pick up the phone and call the number...where i usually end up being stress the whole time of the conversation.
Then I hang up and realize I forgot to ask an important question or to give them an important informations, but i'm too nervous to call back and usually just think "I'll be ok, i don't need to know, maybe i'll find the answer on google" or "If they want to know, they will call back."

But having the phone ringing is WORSE! yes, all in capital letters!
Luckily, I got caller ID on my phone and voice mail...that helps, but not nearly enough.
When the phone rings, it creates a small anxiety attack, specially if I don't know who is calling...or if it's someone that don't usually call me.
Why are they call me? who is calling me?
Usually the phone rings for a while before I pick it up....thus missing the call 50% of the time, and listening to the message on my voice mail.

In my every day life, I don't feel like it is causing me problems. But in my work life....it is difficult.
Even if we have a receptionist at work, sometimes I need to answer the phone.
Since working in a funeral home, we can't let the phone ring more then twice...so this is a challenge for me. I only got 2 rings to gather my courage up and pick up the phone, not knowing who is calling and why they are calling.
If we get a death call (a call informing us that someone passed away), i have to ask questions to the person calling....but it always results in me forgetting to ask some of the questions, even if I have a list of all the questions and information I need to ask in front of me.  I get nervous because I didn't hear their name properly, or they are emotional on the other side, making me nervous to ask questions, or they are talking too much and I lose track of where we are. Or they are talking too fast and i'm to scared to have them repeat 3-4 times because I didn't understand what they said.
Then there is the fear of not knowing if the person calling will be speaking in french or english. I gotta switch my brain back and forth for that. Even if i consider myself fluent and I have been speaking both languages daily for 12 years...it still stressed me out when i'm on the phone.
And then, twice a wekk i'm on call...which means, the work phone is being transfer on to the company's cell phone, and I have that phone with me and I must answer the phone at all time.
This is probably the worse days of my weeks.
I stay at home with the phone in my hand, not doing anything, not having music or tv on, in the fear of missing a call. I usually have a pen and paper beside me, to take notes if the phone rings.
At night, I wake up every hour to check the phone to make usre I didn't miss a call.
During the day if the phone doesn't ring, I check the phone every 15 minutes, just to make sure it is still on.
I call the funeral home, just to make sure I transfered the calls properly onto that cell phone.
When someone calls, I get nervous, my mind blanks when they ask questions. I panik if I don't have the answer.
It's a mess really.
I hate phones!

The only time I am not nervous about phones is if it's my sister or mom calling, or if I have to call them.
Because I know it's them, and I know that there wont be akward silences (usually my sister says :I got nothing else to talk about. So i'm hanging up, bye")
Even if I have to call my friend, it takes me a while to dial their numbers. What if I am disturbing them. What if they are not in the mood to talk, or they are about to leave. What if they are not home and someone else picks up.

All these are stupid. I am aware of that.
I don't know why I am so scared.
It's just a telephone. It's not gonna eat me, or hurt me.
I'm not puting my life in danger when I answer a call.....
So why am I so scared of it.
If I could see who I was talking too...maybe it wouldn't be so hard.

Hi, I'm Marie and I am a Telephonophobic.
Just don't call me...I probably won't answer.

I'm working on it. Like I said, I got caller ID on my phone. So i know who is calling, if i don't recognized the number, I let it go to my voicemail.
At work, I try to answer the phone whenever it rings...usually once a day I can do it.
I also started calling other people, like the hospitals or churches.
I have to do that, it's part of my job. I need to be able to answer the phone in a calm manner, and to be abel to call people in order to book the receptions, churches, cemeteries...ect.
I'm working on it slowly....but I still HATE being on call (like i am today)
The phone is in my hand as I am typing this blog....how crazy is that?

Here's what wiki has to say : http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Telephone_phobia

Hudson

On October 24th, 2011, at 12:53pm, my big sister gave birth to my first niece : Hudson Sulian P.C.
7lbs , 18 inches and healthy baby girl

Born from an Asian father and a Caucasian mother,with her dark hair. squinting eyes and little nose, she is the splitting image of her dad.
I have to be bias and say she is probably the most adorable baby girl I have seen!

The pregnacy wasn't an easy one, and neither was the birth, but now that she is with us, she was worth the wait and the pain of it all.

ahaha I can't believe my sister is a mother. She was probably the one we least suspected to have a baby first XD

Unfortunetly, I haven't met her yet. Living and working away from my family, makes it hard, but in 2 days I will be spending 3whole days with her and my sister, whom I am so proud of.

She is going to be one spoiled little girl, she already is and she has only been here with us for 1 day ahaha.
I am very happy be an aunt. Can't wait to start to spoil her.
I am the crazy aunt! ahahah Don't mind if I do!

I'm so happy that she is also an Halloween baby, so fitting with our family!
And I can't wait until we drag her to a Kanjani8 concert (might have to start with Heysayjump or sexy zone ahahah).
She's a little eito baby!

Autumn

The weather is finally getting cooler. Last week I was in shorts and tshirt which is very weird in Canada at this time of year. But today it is cold. Cold enough to wear a small jacket and maybe a scarf.

Which means : Halloween is coming!

Falls (or Autumn) is my favorit season. I like the weather, even if it rains a lot. It's not too cold and not too warm.
We get to wear comfy clothes and eat comfort foods.
The air is crips and smells like the dead leaves paving our streets in reds, yellows and browns.
So beautiful!
Then by the end, just before winter arrives, we have Halloween!
My favorit holiday!

Kids and grown up gets to dress up as anything they fancy.
Imagination takes over reality, as houses are decorated in order to scare you or welcome you for free candy.
Superheros, Princesses, witches, monsters and many more are running around town at night.
With candels burning inside pumpkins with faces.
It's one of those time a year where it's ok to be up past sunset as a kid, eat lots of candy and run around knocking at stranger's houses.

What's not to love?

I may add that I always had a bit a taste for the macabre too (look where it has lead me!)
So every year, I want things to get scarier. Be it my costumes, or make-up or pumpkin and decorations.
For me, Halloween is suppose to be be scary...not funny, not cute, not sexy....but morbid, bloody, decomposing scary!
every year, I had a small horror movie marathon on my own.
Hands out candy until 8pm, put a sign up saying " no more candy"' at the door, curl up on the couch with the left over candy and watch a good old horror movie! lol

This year I was told that our town doesn't really celebrate Halloween. That most kids don't go door to door..It made me sad, but my coworker said he would come to my door with his daughters just for me! It's gonna be their first halloween too (2yrs and 10 months). So now i'm happy. I'll make them some cupcakes just for them!

So what do you like about Halloween?
Are you planning to dress up, if so as what?
What do you normally do on Halloween?
Which is your favorit season and why?