Wednesday, June 4, 2014

Overdue update

I was really hoping to be writing a happy blog post (for once) but alas, it will just be some more depressing thoughts like the previous ones. So you have been warned.

For the past year and half I have been struggling deeply with my mental illness. I hate to call it that, because part of me thinks this is ridiculous and I should just "get over it" and "snap out of it, everyone feels the same, you're not any special"...So i muster the courage to get out, smile and  tell myself (and those asking) "everything is fine. I'm Happy"

but it's hard.

It's hard because the other part of me just wants to crawl in a hole and cry. I'm lost to be honest. Lost between happiness and total despair. Some days are good, but most aren't. And i'm stuck with the thoughts of "get over it, you're an adult, stop being childish. this is how it is supposed to be. This is what being an adult is all about"

This is what being an adult is all it?

Please tell me because I'm lost. I will be 30 years old in 2 months. All my friends my age, are settling down, getting married, working jobs, having kids, buying I should too, right?
I should start thinking of my future. Investing in my future. I got a steady job that gives me fianancial sercurity. In a couple of months I will be buying a house, so the next step will be to find someone and get married, right? Everyone around me seems so proud of me. Finally, I am settling down. Finally, I have a bright and secure future ahead of me.

But to be honest, it scares the crap out of me. It scares me because this is not what I want. I already came to the conclusion that I will not and I do not want kids. It's not because I don't like them. I love them and I'm good with them....but I am way too f-up in the head to be permantly taking care of a child. I can't even take care of myself, how am I supposed to be reponsible for a child. I belive that in order to have kids, you need to be somewhat sane for them. Be able to take care of them first. I can't even do that with myself. If things go wrong with me, how am I suppose to focus on a kid. I will resent that kid and it will resent me. So better not have any. It sounds selfish, but the way I see it, it would be more selfish of me to bring a child in this world and not be able to give them my 100% care and love.

I got a steady secure job...for the moment. It just seem for the past 3 years this is all I have been focusing my energy on...and everyday, it just drains me more and more...everyday I am less and less happy about it. Is that normal? This is the job I have been chasing after for years. this is my Dream job...but  A part of me, love my job, the other part hates it. Lately it has been tough. I started back in january in a new location. I have more responsibilities, but we are less busy. I thought it would be a good change. I am closer to my family, the people I work with are nice. I thought ti would help me get better......but i feel like I am ready to quit. Not quit and go elsewhere for the same job....quit all together the business.
My confidence is droping everyday. I always feel like i'm walking on eggshells. That I am never "good enough" or do things "right enough". Every morning I come in to work and I get told that "this is not right" or "you forgot to do this"....then I go home after a "good day" and I get text messages of "you made this mistake" "This is not how it should be done"...There is just always something wrong. Nothing big, nothing dangerous...but always something wrong. It's never good enough or done the right way. I just never do anything right. I can't go a day without one of them telling me I did something good. there is always something wrong. But like i said, nothing big...but it just keeps adding up and it just always seems like anything i do, sucks. The only time i feel confident, or that i do a good job is in the preproom. the rest of the time, I suck. I suck so much that I feel like they don't let me "be" a funeral director. All i do all day is clean or be the receptionist...while they do "funeral director" things.and apparently I suck in those department too.
I'm tired of feeling like crap. I'm tired of feeling anxious everday, waiting to see what i'm gonna screw up today. I'm only on probation, and I fear that at the end, they won't want to keep me. I already feel like I'm losing their trust because I am not capable of doing things to their standars.
I try so hard everyday to go into work and pay the most attention to all the details so i don't forget something or don't screw up a task.I smile, I am energetic, I leave my crazy at home....but they always find something wrong.
So because of that, I am losing confidence in my work and losing the joy of it.

To think about it, since being licensed, it feels like I have been regressing. Emotionally and mentally. Like I have been struggling with my job since the start. It constently feel like I am doggy paddling in order to stay afloat....Now it's to the point where I don't think this is what I want to do for the next 10 years...let alone 5 years.

So i'm stuck. Because everyone is so proud of my achievements. If i quit, I would be disappointing them all....again.
I"m stuck, because this is the job I have been wanting to do ever since I was a kid...and now that i'm doing it, I'm not even sure anymore if I enjoy it.I feel overwhelemed, anxious, lack confidence.... Is it me? Is it the job? Is it the Location? Does every body feels the same way about their jobs?

I'm stuck because I am an adult and isn't this what I am supposed to do?

If i were to quit...what am I going to do next? I can't just not do anything...(although most days, that's the only options I would like to have.) I wish I was 10 years younger, because in your 20's, it's OK to go from job to job, to not know what you want to do with your life....but I am going to be 30...I have to settle. Be responsible. But does it mean, I shouldn't be happy?

I want to escape it all. This feeling of unworthyness, this constant anxiety of not being good enough or strong enough. I hate myself for feeling this way constantely. I'm tired of making my family angry with my fickleness, I'm tired of making them worry about me.

When is this crappy feeling going to stop?

Is this what being and adult feels like? If so, I don't want to be an adult.