Saturday, July 27, 2013


Standing on a deserted island, you spend months and even years building this raft. Finally it's done. It's not much of a raft, but you made it and you're proud of it and happy about it. So you push it into the ocean and set sails on your new raft.
The first few days are wonderful. The water is clear, there is tones of fishes and even dolphins. The sky is blue and the breeze is soft. Hey, you are even starting to get a nice tan!

After a few months sailing, the water gets darker. Once in a while you will see a seabird or the fin of a fish. If you're really lucky, you'll see flying fishes go by. But most of the time, you are pretty much just sailing on without much things to see.

That's when you realize that the water is as dark as the sky. You look around and all you see it water, for miles away. No land, no birds, no fishes, just dark cold water. You try not to panic, as you brave a few days of rain and waves. You hold on tight to your raft, because that's what you worked on for so long and you know this is the right place and if you just keep holding on, the storm will pass and everything will be clear sky again.

But now it's been weeks, months that you are stuck in the storm. Some days it's just a little drizzle, others, it's just fog making it hard to navigate, but the worse are the thunder and lightnings and waves as high as a mountain. You keep pushing through every day, but now you start wondering why. Wouldn't it just be easier to just let go and let the waves carry you. Who knows, maybe the waves will bring you back to the island, or maybe it will drown you. Whatever it does, you're starting to convince yourself that either ways would be better then just hanging on your shitty raft, not knowing where you are, where you are going and why you even built this raft in the first place. It's doubt and fear settling in.

One morning, the one after a big storm, you wake up and you see that your foot is caught on the rope, which is tied to the beam. You try to get it off, but the knot is just too strong. You should take this as a sign that something bad will come out of this but whatever, the sky is blue, and you may even think you heard a bird call. Things will be ok.

But that's when you realize you were wrong. Right when you think everything is fine and the water is calm, you are suddenly woken up by a big crashing wave. It is so big that the beam breaks and rolls into the water...dragging you in at the same time.

The beam slowly starts sinking into the deep water. You try to pry your foot off the rope, but you can't. Not by yourself. The beam sinks just a bit deeper. You struggle to bring yourself to the surface, just so you have enough time to take a breath of air. But each time, the beams pulls you down. Each time, you swim back up with all your might, take a breath, and sinks back in. You do this for a while. You know that if you don't get that rope untie, you will sink to the bottom of the Ocean. You swim back you, using all your strength to keep your head above water. Sometimes, a wave comes through and instead of breathing air, you swallow some bitter sea salt water. It's at those moments where you think this is it. But somehow, you always come back to the surface.

Then out of nowhere, a giant turtle comes along. It places itself under you, so you can sit on it's shell and take a break from all that struggling. The sky is even getting clearer, but the waves are still strong and high. You ask the turtle for help and somehow it understands. Slowly, very slowly, it starts nagging at the rope around your foot. But you know turtles, they aren't very quick...sometimes you get impatient, and starts calling it names, or yelling at it to hurry up. Sometimes, you just think screw this! it's not gonna work. But you just keep on coasting on top your turtle, at least you aren't swallowing sea salt water anymore. But once in a while you slip off the turtle, because the beam is just too heavy. But you fight to climb back on because you don't want to end up at the bottom of the ocean with the beam. If you do, you won't come back up for air.

So you wait for the turtle to set you free.

 You don't know when will that be, or if when it happens, things will be better. I mean, you are still stuck in the middle of the ocean. Even if you are surfing on top of a turtle, you are still in the middle of the ocean, you don't know if there is an island in front of you or if you gonna slip and fall back in the water. You just don't know. And to be honest it's exhausting.

So you rest your head on the back of the turtle and you wait. And you remember the days when you were on the island and how it was so much better and safer. You wish you could go back there, but you know it is just way too far behind you, there's no way you can go back. Melancholy sits in as you wait for the turtle to do it's job. I mean, come on, how thick can this rope be? Some days you just want to let go, some days you just want to hold on. It's exhausting. It's a struggle. It's a battle of the wits and you are the only person who can make the right decision. You know that if you let go, the waves will carry you deeper, and you know if you hold on, the turtle will carry you to a safe zone for a while. but you also know that no matter what, your life will just never be normal anymore, not after all this.

You will get back on land, and you will enjoy that land for a while. You will even come to convince yourself that this is where you want to stay, build your hut and raise butler monkeys. But you know that after a while you will get bored of it and you are gonna want to build another raft and set sails to see if the next island will be better, more fun! but you know you'll just end up getting stranded in the middle of the ocean again.

How do you know? Because this is not the first time you have been stranded in the middle of an ocean.

You just can't be normal and have a normal life. Be happy with what you have. You have to accept that, but most of all, the people around you have to accept it as well. You can try and have a normal life, for a while you will.But let's face it, this is a cycle that will come and go for the rest of your life.

This is what depression feels like.

and right now, I'm still waiting for my turtle to set me free.

Sunday, July 21, 2013

Falling down the rabbit hole.

I've been thinking a lot about this for a while. I pretty much have it all written in my head and tonight i decided to write it down. As many knows, I have suffered depression pretty much since my father passed away in 1999. In the last (almost) 14 years, I have had many ups and downs. I also have had a lot of help and support from family and friends, in fact I don't think I would be where I am now if it wasn't for them.

So for about the last 6 years, i managed to feel normal (or as normal as one can be). Sure there were times where my thoughts felt heavier the other days, but in general, I was content with my life.
I had set out goals for myself, i was surrounded by a loving family and had great friends. I even felt able to take off on my own to live in a foreign country and survive.  I had an amazing experience while I was there. I was able to get in touch with who I am and trust myself and see that I am capable of doing things and living a normal happy life. Then i came back to Canada, i went after my childhood goal of becoming a funeral director. Took me 2 years, but I did it. I manage to do what I had always wanted to do.

I now have my license, and a great job that provides me with security and benefits. And I really like my job. I do. But sometimes, actually more so often lately, I don't feel it anymore. I mean, i like my job, but sometimes I wish I was doing something else. More like, I have so many things I want to do, but feel limited with my job. I want to do other things.

I don't know. This can all just be crazy talk.

But I have been struggling with this feeling for just over 6 months now. And to be honest, it doesn't help when you are already in a slump. I have been struggling again with depression since around October last year. I have tried various things to get me out of this state of mind. I have been seeing a psychologist and we tried various exercise to get me to feel better. But nothing seems to work. About 3 weeks ago, I started taking medication again for that. I mean, it worked the last time, and I am just so tired to be struggling every day to try and have a normal life.

Is it working? not really, but they said it would take 6 to 8 weeks before I start feeling "human" again. So, until then I have to keep fighting every morning to get out of bed, to put on some pants and go to work. It's frustrating because I like my job, but I don't want to be there. It's like an oxymoron or something.  But everyday I make it work and I do my work and I go home after and....I do it the next day and the day after that. I like it, but I don't "love" it.

The worse is I know how hard i worked to get here and how lucky I am to have a great job and security and to do something I like. But most days, I just want to leave it all. Not because I don't like it, but because I am unhappy with my life. Because there are other things I want to do and I don't feel like my job is giving me the freedom to do those things.

The last time I saw my psychologist, she told me that I should be doing the things that makes me happy. Get back out there and do things. Go out and enjoy myself....even if I don't feel like it. She said that by doing those things, it will help me break out of this funk and start to be happy again (along with taking the meds)

So I thought about what I want to do, what I love to do.

I want to travel. Not just 2 weeks out of the year, I want to pack my bag and go, see the world, experience different culture, volunteer in orphanages or animal sanctuaries. I want to leave for a month or two or six. I don't know, see how far I can go and how much I can see. I want to paint. I want to spend my days creating art, being inspired. Maybe combine the two, travel and paint. I want to sing. I want to take lessons again, and be the best that I can be, auditions for parts because I miss the stage, I miss pretending to be someone else. To feel the emotions of someone else and be in someone else's shoes because i'm tried of being in my own. I want to write. I have so many great stories I want to write boiling inside my brain because I can't get them out properly because I feel rush. I want to go back to school and get a higher education. Not because I want a better job, but because I want to do this for myself. I want to move back home and be with my family and be part of their life physically. I'm tired of viewing their life through photos. I want to be part of those photos.

But if I am to do any of this, it means I would have to cut my job. And you can't do any of that if you don't have money, and money comes from working a job. So I do the responsible thing to do and I get up in the morning and go to work. But in the back of my head, I long to just go. My head is all in a jumble.  I know you can't live in the past and you have to think about the future, but for me, I don't know what I see for the future. I'm going to be 29 in 2 weeks and for me to have a husband, a house, kids, settle's not that important. Sure those are things i'd like to have eventually, but I don't see a time limit. There are just so many other things i'd like to do before any of that. And who knows, I might change my mind in 2 years....or 20. I mean, we all know I'm not the typical kind of person, I'm an artist. I don't do things like most people, I don't fit in the box. I feel limited when I'm in the box. I feel lost when i'm in the box. I feel unhappy when i'm in the box. And right now, I'm inside the box with a peep hole and I keep looking though that hole wishing I was on the other side.

So, I got back on medications. Because I like my job, and because I'm not a kid anymore. I know that you can't make a living out of traveling. And I know you can't make a living out of painting or singing (anyways not everyone can) but I know I can make a living out of funerals (wow that sounds bad!). I will always have a job and if I stay with my current company, I have benefits and a pension. I should be grateful of that. Part of my brain knows that, but lately that part has been losing the battle against the other part who wants to be free.

And that's not the only thing making be unhappy. I joined the gym 3 months ago and nothing has changed since. Everyone is telling me to give it time, it will come eventually, but it is frustrating. I feel like it's a waste of money. Money I could be using to do some of the things I listed above.

And to be honest, I feel alone. Not lonely, because that's different. But I feel alone....just that.


In 3 to 4 more weeks, I should be feeling better and happy again. That's what the doctors said anyways. I don't know what this rant was all about. I'm unhappy with my life and it's frustrating because I have no reason to feel this way. Bur depression is  a serious mental illness that needs to stop being hidden and avoided. So I feel like I need to share what's going on in my head because I know not everyone can understand the struggle one with depression faces everyday. I'm not afraid to let people know that my head doesn't work the same way as them. I struggle every morning to get out of bed and go to work. So I decided to do something about it and I want to be happy but sometimes I wonder if I'll ever truly be genuinely happy.

(on a side note, no I am not feeling suicidal. I most likely will take off to a different country before I even think about that)