Sunday, July 21, 2013

Falling down the rabbit hole.

I've been thinking a lot about this for a while. I pretty much have it all written in my head and tonight i decided to write it down. As many knows, I have suffered depression pretty much since my father passed away in 1999. In the last (almost) 14 years, I have had many ups and downs. I also have had a lot of help and support from family and friends, in fact I don't think I would be where I am now if it wasn't for them.

So for about the last 6 years, i managed to feel normal (or as normal as one can be). Sure there were times where my thoughts felt heavier the other days, but in general, I was content with my life.
I had set out goals for myself, i was surrounded by a loving family and had great friends. I even felt able to take off on my own to live in a foreign country and survive.  I had an amazing experience while I was there. I was able to get in touch with who I am and trust myself and see that I am capable of doing things and living a normal happy life. Then i came back to Canada, i went after my childhood goal of becoming a funeral director. Took me 2 years, but I did it. I manage to do what I had always wanted to do.

I now have my license, and a great job that provides me with security and benefits. And I really like my job. I do. But sometimes, actually more so often lately, I don't feel it anymore. I mean, i like my job, but sometimes I wish I was doing something else. More like, I have so many things I want to do, but feel limited with my job. I want to do other things.

I don't know. This can all just be crazy talk.

But I have been struggling with this feeling for just over 6 months now. And to be honest, it doesn't help when you are already in a slump. I have been struggling again with depression since around October last year. I have tried various things to get me out of this state of mind. I have been seeing a psychologist and we tried various exercise to get me to feel better. But nothing seems to work. About 3 weeks ago, I started taking medication again for that. I mean, it worked the last time, and I am just so tired to be struggling every day to try and have a normal life.

Is it working? not really, but they said it would take 6 to 8 weeks before I start feeling "human" again. So, until then I have to keep fighting every morning to get out of bed, to put on some pants and go to work. It's frustrating because I like my job, but I don't want to be there. It's like an oxymoron or something.  But everyday I make it work and I do my work and I go home after and....I do it the next day and the day after that. I like it, but I don't "love" it.

The worse is I know how hard i worked to get here and how lucky I am to have a great job and security and to do something I like. But most days, I just want to leave it all. Not because I don't like it, but because I am unhappy with my life. Because there are other things I want to do and I don't feel like my job is giving me the freedom to do those things.

The last time I saw my psychologist, she told me that I should be doing the things that makes me happy. Get back out there and do things. Go out and enjoy myself....even if I don't feel like it. She said that by doing those things, it will help me break out of this funk and start to be happy again (along with taking the meds)

So I thought about what I want to do, what I love to do.

I want to travel. Not just 2 weeks out of the year, I want to pack my bag and go, see the world, experience different culture, volunteer in orphanages or animal sanctuaries. I want to leave for a month or two or six. I don't know, see how far I can go and how much I can see. I want to paint. I want to spend my days creating art, being inspired. Maybe combine the two, travel and paint. I want to sing. I want to take lessons again, and be the best that I can be, auditions for parts because I miss the stage, I miss pretending to be someone else. To feel the emotions of someone else and be in someone else's shoes because i'm tried of being in my own. I want to write. I have so many great stories I want to write boiling inside my brain because I can't get them out properly because I feel rush. I want to go back to school and get a higher education. Not because I want a better job, but because I want to do this for myself. I want to move back home and be with my family and be part of their life physically. I'm tired of viewing their life through photos. I want to be part of those photos.

But if I am to do any of this, it means I would have to cut my job. And you can't do any of that if you don't have money, and money comes from working a job. So I do the responsible thing to do and I get up in the morning and go to work. But in the back of my head, I long to just go. My head is all in a jumble.  I know you can't live in the past and you have to think about the future, but for me, I don't know what I see for the future. I'm going to be 29 in 2 weeks and for me to have a husband, a house, kids, settle's not that important. Sure those are things i'd like to have eventually, but I don't see a time limit. There are just so many other things i'd like to do before any of that. And who knows, I might change my mind in 2 years....or 20. I mean, we all know I'm not the typical kind of person, I'm an artist. I don't do things like most people, I don't fit in the box. I feel limited when I'm in the box. I feel lost when i'm in the box. I feel unhappy when i'm in the box. And right now, I'm inside the box with a peep hole and I keep looking though that hole wishing I was on the other side.

So, I got back on medications. Because I like my job, and because I'm not a kid anymore. I know that you can't make a living out of traveling. And I know you can't make a living out of painting or singing (anyways not everyone can) but I know I can make a living out of funerals (wow that sounds bad!). I will always have a job and if I stay with my current company, I have benefits and a pension. I should be grateful of that. Part of my brain knows that, but lately that part has been losing the battle against the other part who wants to be free.

And that's not the only thing making be unhappy. I joined the gym 3 months ago and nothing has changed since. Everyone is telling me to give it time, it will come eventually, but it is frustrating. I feel like it's a waste of money. Money I could be using to do some of the things I listed above.

And to be honest, I feel alone. Not lonely, because that's different. But I feel alone....just that.


In 3 to 4 more weeks, I should be feeling better and happy again. That's what the doctors said anyways. I don't know what this rant was all about. I'm unhappy with my life and it's frustrating because I have no reason to feel this way. Bur depression is  a serious mental illness that needs to stop being hidden and avoided. So I feel like I need to share what's going on in my head because I know not everyone can understand the struggle one with depression faces everyday. I'm not afraid to let people know that my head doesn't work the same way as them. I struggle every morning to get out of bed and go to work. So I decided to do something about it and I want to be happy but sometimes I wonder if I'll ever truly be genuinely happy.

(on a side note, no I am not feeling suicidal. I most likely will take off to a different country before I even think about that)

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