Tuesday, December 31, 2013

2013 in review

It is 11:15pm on December 31st.
To be honest, I am about to go to bed and skip that whole "happy New Year" thing (Like I have done in the previous years 2008-2009-2010-2011-2012...)
It's funny but as I get older, the less meaning does the New Year's eve have ahahah I rather be in bed by 10pm then stay up until midnight to yell "Happy New Year", and let's be honest, i'm still trying to recover from Christmas parties!

Well, I am hoping that in the next 45 minutes, I will have my year in review written out in time to Welcome 2014.

2013 in general was pretty rough for me. If you have read my previous post, you know why so I won't go in details (depression blah blah blah) so i'll jut put out the highlights/lowlights of the year out for you.

2013 didn't start on  a good note. The week before New Year, I learned that my cat Ozzychan was sick. In 3 weeks, I tried everything I could to rescue her but on the 22nd, after struggling for a few days and weighing only 2.6lbs, she died in my arms from stomach cancer. It was hard on me because I really loved that kitty, even if I only had her for 2 years, and also because only 6 months previously, I had gone through the same thing with my other cat Ucchi.
Also around the same time, my depression got worse. I approached my work and confessed to them that I was not well. they were good enough to help me find help within the city and pay for my psychologist rendez vous. They were also nice enough to place me back full time in the lab (away from "living" human contact).

From then one, I started to get slightly better....or stable within my depression. As in, I was not getting any more worse or suicidal. But it was still not enough to help me get out of it.

A few months passed, and to be honest, I can't remember anything much fun during that time.

In May, I attended Comic Con in Ottawa with a coworker. It was a lot of fun. I got in touch with my inner geek and fangirled over Buffy the Vampire and Firefly as some of the actors form those shows where there (Nathan Fillion, Nicholas Brendon, James Marster...ect)

Over the Summer, i learned that 2 of my cousins got engaged (sisters, in the spend of 3 weeks). I was really happy for them and can't wait to go to their weddings. Around the same time, I started to take medications for my depression/anxiety, getting the final help i needed.

At the end of the August (after turning 29 years old) I finally got my first vacation, and drove down to New Orleans (25 hrs) with my mom and Chris. We spent a few days in the French Quater, got drunk on the first day, ate too much cajun food, had the runs for a few days after, ya know all the good stuff! ahahah But really the highlight was the Swamp boat tour. Seriously, if you ever go down there, you need to pay the extra money for this. It is amazing and you see so many Aligators it's ridiculous! plus I got to hold a baby gator in my hands <3 p="">On out way back, we took it slower and made a stop in Memphis where we visited BBKing's pub and Graceland. I no Elvis fan, but his house was something to see. Then me made it to Nashville for dinner, so we didn't really get to see much of it, but we got to have dinner in a diner with real country music. If you know me well, you know how much i despise country...and I still do. So I am proud that I was able to sit down and eat diner with that kind of music playing around. And finally, we made out way back to Ottawa. All this in a week. It was a great vacation, although I probably wouldn't go to any of those places again, i'm glad to say I did it.

On September 24th, our family was bless with a little bundle of joy name Phénix. My nephew is so adorable, I have no words to say how much I love him (and his sister). I have to say, i'm glad it's my sister having all the kids, because I don't know how I would be able to do anything that she does. She is a wonderful mother, she is raising such bright kids and I'm proud of her for doing all this (while doing her PhD)

October I got to see my other vacation, which I spent back home in Barrie. I got to be there for Thanksgiving and for Hudson's birthday/halloween. This kid is amazing!!! She is only 26 months old (2 years old and 2 months) and she is potty trained, out of diapers (even at night), she can dress herself (including snowpants, jackets, boots, mittens...ect) she knows how to use scissors, wrap presents. Always there to help you clean the house, change Phénix's diapers, fold laundry, make dinner. She knows that she needs to speak english to some people and french to others. She is a bright kid! She amaze me everyday. Man is she going to be bored when she starts school ahahah I love her so much.

And finally, on december 17, I moved in back home. Now let me explain what happened, because it's kinda surreal. My mom always reminds me that if things are meant to be, they will come.
Well back in October, I got an email. Actually, it was a junk mail. And to be honest, I never look in my junk mail, but that day I did. And i saw an email from a Mr. Davidson with the subject line"Interview:" Well that could have been spam, but I decided to just have a look.
It turned out that back in June, I had send an email to some Funeral home in Barrie, just letting them know that I would be interested in moving back there and if they ever had a position available to consider me. Well, one of those funeral home, sent my email to Mr. Davidson (whom in October was looking to hire) and thus contacted me to know if I would still be interested in moving back in the Barrie area. Being in Barrie already at the time, I set up an interview with them and well I got the job!
When I came back from my final vacation at the end of October, I gave my job in Ottawa my notice and on december 17, I moved in back home with my mom.
The job in not in Barrie, but 20 minutes away from it. It is in Wasaga Beach, which is pretty awesome in the summer. Yes there is a beach there, and yes you can swim!
Moving back closer to home, is a big plus for me. With my sister having kids, I wanted to be there and be part of their lives rather then living through Facebook. And also, being closer to my family is a big help toward getting better with my depression. (which btw is getting much better since I started taking my medications).

For december, I got to spend Christmas with my family, without having the stress that I have to "drive back" 6 hrs away from them. I got to relaxe and enjoy. Although, I am not use to being around people all the time. It's quite noisy at times lol

So this was my year. Not too exciting and quite rough at times, which means that 2014 cannot be worse!

For 2014, I will be starting my new job on January 6 and hopefully in the spring, I will be able to start looking for a place of my own closer to work. Also, I will be turning the big 3-0 in August, so I would like to go celebrate it in all dignity at Universal Studio - Harry Potter World! I would also like to make a trip out west to visit some friends. So who know what 2014 has in store for me, but I sure hope it's gonna be better then the last.

Well here it is...

5...4.....3......2.....1...HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!

now i'm off to bed. Good night!

Wednesday, November 6, 2013

All I want for Christmas is......

Well it's that time of year again...at least coming soon enough!
I have already been asked about what I want for Christmas, so I decided to make my list. 
Most aren't specific in brands, don't really care for that, if it works, i'll be happy, but the ones where i'm specific I will post a link to it.

This is a list of things I would LOVE to have

Crockpot (small one, don't need the big one, it's only me!)
Popcorn air machine (so I can make healthier popcorn ya know)
Pots and Pans set (mine is mix-matched and starting to warp)
Walmart giftcard (those always comes in handy!)
Home hardware giftcard (I like to paint rooms and stuff)

Specific things I would like:

Mary Poppins DVD
Harry Potter series DVD
The Sound of Music DVD
Harry Potter BOOK series (french or english, can be used copies)
Dracula Book (can be used)
Jane Eyre Book (can be used)
Lord of the Rings Books ( mom I think you have my books at your house, you can re-gift them to me!)
Interview with a Vampire Book series (can be used)
Boardgames (any kind, just not card games)
Hudson art piece framed ;-)

Aside from all this, I accept Gift cards to various clothing stores like Old Nay, Rickies and Reitmans. As well as cash in an envelop. 

This is what Bussan would like to have :

Catnip toys
Feathered toys
Salmon flavor threats
Bowtie collar
a friend
Cat Milk
belly rubs
Play friend

Send me your list my way <| :-D   <---- be="" br="" is="" santa="" supposed="" this="" to="">

Friday, October 4, 2013

I'm tired.

I'm tired.
This is another post about the taboo subject of Depression.
Why is it taboo? There is more people suffering from depression then you would think. And most of those people, they don't even know that they suffer from depression because no one wants to talk about it.
It's a mental illness. There is no cure. There is, though, help and bandaids.

In my last post, i mentioned that I had started taking medication to help get me through the day. It's been over 2 months now and I can admit that I am getting better. But I am tired still. It's not as bad as before though. I don't feel like i'm free falling into a pit...but more like i'm climbing out of the whole. Sometimes I feel like i'm making progress, then other times I have a slip off.
It's tireing.
When you wake up in the morning, you never know what kind of day it's going to be.
I understand everyone feels that way, but when you have depression, it's like 10x worse. Something that would normally requires little effort or creates little disappointment, turns out to take all the strength in the world and makes you feel like it is the worse day of your life. The worse part is you know that this is ridiculous, you know that you shouldn't feel this way (at least to that extent) but you can't help it. It just is.

You constantly go from more end of the spectrum of emotions to the other. There is no middle ground. If you are sad...you're not just sad, you are SAD. If you are angry, it's not just anger is MOTHERF$%?# ANGER...ect you get the idea. Little things makes you feels big emotions. Can you imagine how drainning this gets to be and the worse part is that you have to hide it so people don't think you are crazy.

At least when you take medication, or any other help available, it helps tone down those emotions. It shorten the emotion spectrum.  But it takes a while until you reach the part where you start feeling normal. I'm not there yet. Some days, I feel completely normal and happy...then anything can trigger a short fall. And when you fall, it's hard to get back up. It takes time.

Right now i'm tired. My head feels mushy.It's making me want to just "screw" everything. My stress level is high right now and it's making me tired and I have trouble sleeping.
But i'm holding on to the fact that in 6 days I get to go back home and decompress. I'll get to meet my new nephew and see my niece and be there for her birthday and halloween. I'll be able to just "be" and not worry about work and life in general. Do the things I love with the people I love. So if I can keep holding on until then, things will be alright, until next time..

6 more days.

Saturday, July 27, 2013


Standing on a deserted island, you spend months and even years building this raft. Finally it's done. It's not much of a raft, but you made it and you're proud of it and happy about it. So you push it into the ocean and set sails on your new raft.
The first few days are wonderful. The water is clear, there is tones of fishes and even dolphins. The sky is blue and the breeze is soft. Hey, you are even starting to get a nice tan!

After a few months sailing, the water gets darker. Once in a while you will see a seabird or the fin of a fish. If you're really lucky, you'll see flying fishes go by. But most of the time, you are pretty much just sailing on without much things to see.

That's when you realize that the water is as dark as the sky. You look around and all you see it water, for miles away. No land, no birds, no fishes, just dark cold water. You try not to panic, as you brave a few days of rain and waves. You hold on tight to your raft, because that's what you worked on for so long and you know this is the right place and if you just keep holding on, the storm will pass and everything will be clear sky again.

But now it's been weeks, months that you are stuck in the storm. Some days it's just a little drizzle, others, it's just fog making it hard to navigate, but the worse are the thunder and lightnings and waves as high as a mountain. You keep pushing through every day, but now you start wondering why. Wouldn't it just be easier to just let go and let the waves carry you. Who knows, maybe the waves will bring you back to the island, or maybe it will drown you. Whatever it does, you're starting to convince yourself that either ways would be better then just hanging on your shitty raft, not knowing where you are, where you are going and why you even built this raft in the first place. It's doubt and fear settling in.

One morning, the one after a big storm, you wake up and you see that your foot is caught on the rope, which is tied to the beam. You try to get it off, but the knot is just too strong. You should take this as a sign that something bad will come out of this but whatever, the sky is blue, and you may even think you heard a bird call. Things will be ok.

But that's when you realize you were wrong. Right when you think everything is fine and the water is calm, you are suddenly woken up by a big crashing wave. It is so big that the beam breaks and rolls into the water...dragging you in at the same time.

The beam slowly starts sinking into the deep water. You try to pry your foot off the rope, but you can't. Not by yourself. The beam sinks just a bit deeper. You struggle to bring yourself to the surface, just so you have enough time to take a breath of air. But each time, the beams pulls you down. Each time, you swim back up with all your might, take a breath, and sinks back in. You do this for a while. You know that if you don't get that rope untie, you will sink to the bottom of the Ocean. You swim back you, using all your strength to keep your head above water. Sometimes, a wave comes through and instead of breathing air, you swallow some bitter sea salt water. It's at those moments where you think this is it. But somehow, you always come back to the surface.

Then out of nowhere, a giant turtle comes along. It places itself under you, so you can sit on it's shell and take a break from all that struggling. The sky is even getting clearer, but the waves are still strong and high. You ask the turtle for help and somehow it understands. Slowly, very slowly, it starts nagging at the rope around your foot. But you know turtles, they aren't very quick...sometimes you get impatient, and starts calling it names, or yelling at it to hurry up. Sometimes, you just think screw this! it's not gonna work. But you just keep on coasting on top your turtle, at least you aren't swallowing sea salt water anymore. But once in a while you slip off the turtle, because the beam is just too heavy. But you fight to climb back on because you don't want to end up at the bottom of the ocean with the beam. If you do, you won't come back up for air.

So you wait for the turtle to set you free.

 You don't know when will that be, or if when it happens, things will be better. I mean, you are still stuck in the middle of the ocean. Even if you are surfing on top of a turtle, you are still in the middle of the ocean, you don't know if there is an island in front of you or if you gonna slip and fall back in the water. You just don't know. And to be honest it's exhausting.

So you rest your head on the back of the turtle and you wait. And you remember the days when you were on the island and how it was so much better and safer. You wish you could go back there, but you know it is just way too far behind you, there's no way you can go back. Melancholy sits in as you wait for the turtle to do it's job. I mean, come on, how thick can this rope be? Some days you just want to let go, some days you just want to hold on. It's exhausting. It's a struggle. It's a battle of the wits and you are the only person who can make the right decision. You know that if you let go, the waves will carry you deeper, and you know if you hold on, the turtle will carry you to a safe zone for a while. but you also know that no matter what, your life will just never be normal anymore, not after all this.

You will get back on land, and you will enjoy that land for a while. You will even come to convince yourself that this is where you want to stay, build your hut and raise butler monkeys. But you know that after a while you will get bored of it and you are gonna want to build another raft and set sails to see if the next island will be better, more fun! but you know you'll just end up getting stranded in the middle of the ocean again.

How do you know? Because this is not the first time you have been stranded in the middle of an ocean.

You just can't be normal and have a normal life. Be happy with what you have. You have to accept that, but most of all, the people around you have to accept it as well. You can try and have a normal life, for a while you will.But let's face it, this is a cycle that will come and go for the rest of your life.

This is what depression feels like.

and right now, I'm still waiting for my turtle to set me free.

Sunday, July 21, 2013

Falling down the rabbit hole.

I've been thinking a lot about this for a while. I pretty much have it all written in my head and tonight i decided to write it down. As many knows, I have suffered depression pretty much since my father passed away in 1999. In the last (almost) 14 years, I have had many ups and downs. I also have had a lot of help and support from family and friends, in fact I don't think I would be where I am now if it wasn't for them.

So for about the last 6 years, i managed to feel normal (or as normal as one can be). Sure there were times where my thoughts felt heavier the other days, but in general, I was content with my life.
I had set out goals for myself, i was surrounded by a loving family and had great friends. I even felt able to take off on my own to live in a foreign country and survive.  I had an amazing experience while I was there. I was able to get in touch with who I am and trust myself and see that I am capable of doing things and living a normal happy life. Then i came back to Canada, i went after my childhood goal of becoming a funeral director. Took me 2 years, but I did it. I manage to do what I had always wanted to do.

I now have my license, and a great job that provides me with security and benefits. And I really like my job. I do. But sometimes, actually more so often lately, I don't feel it anymore. I mean, i like my job, but sometimes I wish I was doing something else. More like, I have so many things I want to do, but feel limited with my job. I want to do other things.

I don't know. This can all just be crazy talk.

But I have been struggling with this feeling for just over 6 months now. And to be honest, it doesn't help when you are already in a slump. I have been struggling again with depression since around October last year. I have tried various things to get me out of this state of mind. I have been seeing a psychologist and we tried various exercise to get me to feel better. But nothing seems to work. About 3 weeks ago, I started taking medication again for that. I mean, it worked the last time, and I am just so tired to be struggling every day to try and have a normal life.

Is it working? not really, but they said it would take 6 to 8 weeks before I start feeling "human" again. So, until then I have to keep fighting every morning to get out of bed, to put on some pants and go to work. It's frustrating because I like my job, but I don't want to be there. It's like an oxymoron or something.  But everyday I make it work and I do my work and I go home after and....I do it the next day and the day after that. I like it, but I don't "love" it.

The worse is I know how hard i worked to get here and how lucky I am to have a great job and security and to do something I like. But most days, I just want to leave it all. Not because I don't like it, but because I am unhappy with my life. Because there are other things I want to do and I don't feel like my job is giving me the freedom to do those things.

The last time I saw my psychologist, she told me that I should be doing the things that makes me happy. Get back out there and do things. Go out and enjoy myself....even if I don't feel like it. She said that by doing those things, it will help me break out of this funk and start to be happy again (along with taking the meds)

So I thought about what I want to do, what I love to do.

I want to travel. Not just 2 weeks out of the year, I want to pack my bag and go, see the world, experience different culture, volunteer in orphanages or animal sanctuaries. I want to leave for a month or two or six. I don't know, see how far I can go and how much I can see. I want to paint. I want to spend my days creating art, being inspired. Maybe combine the two, travel and paint. I want to sing. I want to take lessons again, and be the best that I can be, auditions for parts because I miss the stage, I miss pretending to be someone else. To feel the emotions of someone else and be in someone else's shoes because i'm tried of being in my own. I want to write. I have so many great stories I want to write boiling inside my brain because I can't get them out properly because I feel rush. I want to go back to school and get a higher education. Not because I want a better job, but because I want to do this for myself. I want to move back home and be with my family and be part of their life physically. I'm tired of viewing their life through photos. I want to be part of those photos.

But if I am to do any of this, it means I would have to cut my job. And you can't do any of that if you don't have money, and money comes from working a job. So I do the responsible thing to do and I get up in the morning and go to work. But in the back of my head, I long to just go. My head is all in a jumble.  I know you can't live in the past and you have to think about the future, but for me, I don't know what I see for the future. I'm going to be 29 in 2 weeks and for me to have a husband, a house, kids, settle down...it's not that important. Sure those are things i'd like to have eventually, but I don't see a time limit. There are just so many other things i'd like to do before any of that. And who knows, I might change my mind in 2 years....or 20. I mean, we all know I'm not the typical kind of person, I'm an artist. I don't do things like most people, I don't fit in the box. I feel limited when I'm in the box. I feel lost when i'm in the box. I feel unhappy when i'm in the box. And right now, I'm inside the box with a peep hole and I keep looking though that hole wishing I was on the other side.

So, I got back on medications. Because I like my job, and because I'm not a kid anymore. I know that you can't make a living out of traveling. And I know you can't make a living out of painting or singing (anyways not everyone can) but I know I can make a living out of funerals (wow that sounds bad!). I will always have a job and if I stay with my current company, I have benefits and a pension. I should be grateful of that. Part of my brain knows that, but lately that part has been losing the battle against the other part who wants to be free.

And that's not the only thing making be unhappy. I joined the gym 3 months ago and nothing has changed since. Everyone is telling me to give it time, it will come eventually, but it is frustrating. I feel like it's a waste of money. Money I could be using to do some of the things I listed above.

And to be honest, I feel alone. Not lonely, because that's different. But I feel alone....just that.


In 3 to 4 more weeks, I should be feeling better and happy again. That's what the doctors said anyways. I don't know what this rant was all about. I'm unhappy with my life and it's frustrating because I have no reason to feel this way. Bur depression is  a serious mental illness that needs to stop being hidden and avoided. So I feel like I need to share what's going on in my head because I know not everyone can understand the struggle one with depression faces everyday. I'm not afraid to let people know that my head doesn't work the same way as them. I struggle every morning to get out of bed and go to work. So I decided to do something about it and I want to be happy but sometimes I wonder if I'll ever truly be genuinely happy.

(on a side note, no I am not feeling suicidal. I most likely will take off to a different country before I even think about that)

Tuesday, May 7, 2013

I hope this is the one!

Welcome to my monthly update of my little self ahaha

So what's new with me since last time? Well I joined a gym.

I know it doesn't sound too much like fun, but i am being optimistic about it (and that's saying something!)
Last time i talked about little challenges I decided to set for myself.
Well this is part of one and it also counts as my new goal.

Since last year, since i graduated from school, since I passed my licensing exams, since I got a good stable job.....I have been feeling down on myself. Mostly because everything I had been working toward, the goals I had set, had all came to be all at the same time and POOF! i had no more goals to look forward too.
Everyday, I was going to work, going to sleep. nothing ahead of me...so that made me depressed.

I challenged myself onto becoming happy and lately I have been. I have been working on my anxiety and doing things that were out of my confort zone. Doing things I used to do a while ago, but somehow stopped doing. Slowly i'm starting to see that life is not so horrible....but i still dislike people lol

Anyways, I joined a gym. Nautilus Plus to be exact.
It is 5 minutes from my house, so it's doable.
I its a bit expensive, but i'm getting a lot out of it.
I choosed the program Transfor Bronze.
Which means, this is a program built for people who wants to...well..transfor their bodies. So not like "oh I want to loose 10lbs" or "oh i need to tone or built up muscles" or "oh I just wanna look good in my bikini in 3 weeks"...nah this is more for people like "yeah, my pants size have 3 digits" or "how many more X can I fit infront of the L" or "hmmmm I wonder if that mu-mu is gonna be able to cover my a$$"....so people who needs big transformations...like me!

So i went it and I got paired with a personal trainner. With my membership, not only do i get access to the gym (and sauna) anytime I want, but I also have a trainner following me. I get 12 sessions, so roughly once a month for the next year.
And I also get a dietitian. I get 3 sessions with her (as part of my membership, but can have more with my work benifits paying for them)

I met with my trainner last week for the first time and I had 2 appointments. The first one, we talked about my goals and did some assesments. We took messurments and weights. Then with this nifty machine, we were able to pin point my muscle, water and fat mass of that weight.
Anyways there is a lot of technology in that, but basically I got to see that half my weight is muscles and water, the other half is fat....yikes! (I also found out that my left leg is 2% more msucles then my right one)
With all this, we were able to figure out that I need to loose 80lbs to reach my ideal weight of 150lbs.
And also that in order for my body to function on a regular basic, like just sitting around and breathing, I will burn 1499cal. a day.
My second appoitnment, was about endurance. We messured my fat content in my skin and my heart rate and blood pressure while working out. Basically, i got a lot of fat...but my blood and heart is great!

With all that, we figured out my program. I go a 10min. warm up on the threadmill, 35min of muscles training (leg curls, leg press, chest press, chest pull, crunches) and 15min. Cardio elliptical. then 5min back on the threadmill to calm down, and 5min stretches sets. Roughly 1hr...3 times a week and my 4th time, i do 30min. cardio only.

In 2 weeks, we will change it up, and then every month.

My trainner keeps track with this form I have to fill in when I do it. If she sees that I haven't been to the gym 3 times in my week, she calls me to kick my butt lol

Tonight, I met with my dietitian. We talked about what I eat and did a little questionair, where she asked me if I ate certain food last week. Then the computer calculated how much calories I ate a day in my week on average.
Well turns out, that if i need 1499cal to function...but then do 3x my excercise, she calculated that I need to eat 2023cal a day to MAINTAIN my weight......well guess what, according to that questionary, I have been eating 2028cal a day in the last week...which means, I have been maintaining my weight. So according to this, this might be a reason why I haven't been loosing weight in the past. I would either eat too little calories, thus starving my body, or eating just enough to maintain myself.
So if I want to loose 1lb a week, i need to cut 500cal a day (did you know to loose 1lb you need to burn 3500 cal), which then bring me to eat 1500cal a day if i keep working out and this should make me loose a pound a week......which should make me reach my first goal of 30lbs by september.

My next meeting next week with my dietitiant, we will set a meal plan of 1500cal. Right now, i have to start making better choices, like eating something before and after my work out.

So there it is. Tomorrow, it will have been 7 days since I started, and so far I have gone working out 4 times. So I survived my first week, yay!

Basically, this is my new goal...my new thing to look forward too. I have achived the rest, now i need something new, and this is it. I don't really care all that much though with how many lbs I lose....but I care about how I will feel about myself, how I won't have to shop in the plus sized section, how I won't be a threat to diabetese now.

 My goal is to reach a weight that makes me happy and healthy.
One step closer to my happiness!

here's the link if you want to check out nautilus
Oh yeah, all this, gym, trainner and dietitian, is costing me 150$ a month.
That's 150$ less to go eat in restaurants (which I was doing way too often lately)

oh and one of the guy who lost the most weight last year with my program, works out at my gym and he looks great after losing 65lbs. Give me hope.

Monday, March 11, 2013


Life is full of challenges. Most of them (if not all) are unwanted challenges. Things that get in our way as we try to reach a specific goal. Things that weren't really "planned" for.

Well I have had my shared of Challenges throughout the years. Some where bad...and some really bad.
But as always, I have tackled them and mostly conquered them all (or else I wouldn't be here today).

But no matter what you do in life, you will always have to face challenges, like or not.
And we all know how stressful and tireing it can be.

So i decided to challenge myself. Of my own free will! I am creating myself challenges, and not all of them are easy ones.

After spending a few years struggling with some stuff, I decided it was enough! I am almost 30 (in 1 year and half) and I figured that if i wait, I will eventually see those challenges, except the difference is now I am young and I have the energy to tackled them rather then wait until I'm old.

Now don't get all excited about this revelation. Because most likely I may not be able to conquer them all. But i figured, if I set those challenges on my own free time and terms, then it may not be as difficult, then to wait for them to creep up on me.

Well my biggest challenge this year was to be Happy.
It's not easy to be genuinely happy. Since October, I have been battling depression and anxiety. Yes, it is possible to suffer from both extremity at the same time. You see, when you are feeling anxiety, your brain produces this hormone to calm you down, but because you are so overly stressed out, it makes too much of it, which then drops you in a total depressive state and THEN because you are depress, you brain wants to produce this other hormone that will get you out of that state, but once again it doesn't know how much of it you need, so you become overly stress....and all that happens in matters of seconds, has many times a day (and night...specially nights) So it's one big vicious circle you are stuck in. Well, it's not a happy circle.
In October, I was transferred from "department" in my job. Leaving my oh-so-wonderful job in the lab to my dreadful job in the office. And thus began the vicious circle.
In January, I cracked. I just couldn't handle it anymore. I had been crying every morning when I had to go into work. I had spent sleepless nights tossing and turning, dreading work the next day. I felt useless and stupid and unworthy. That's when I asked for help. I spoke with my boss, and he refereed me to a company hot-line, who then found me the help I needed. And that's when I started seeing my Psychologist.

With her, we talked about why I was feeling worthless everyday and what I could do to make things better. I told her that I didn't want to take meds. I have been in meds before, and sure they helped (while I was on it) but to be honest, I have little recollection of those years and getting off the meds was terrifying. So I told her I wanted to go with a more "organic" way of dealing with my depression/anxiety. So we started congnitif therapy. That's when you change your thought pattern when things gets rough. I kept a journal everytime I felt like things were bad and when we studied them during my session, she would offer tips on how to react and think positif next time that happen.
Is it working? I don't know, perhaps it is. Only time will tell, because that's the down side of this method. It takes time to change your thought process, it's not like a pill that alters your brain chemicals right away....but unlike the pill, once I have mastered it, it is permanent. So it's worth the try.
 During my therapy session, my psychologist told me that it wasn't worth doing a job I hate (and by now, I hated my job) Work occupy 70% of my everyday life  if not more, so it's not worth doing something that makes you miserable. In life, to be happy you need to do things that makes you happy. Yeah, apparently that's the big secret to a happy life....
So I told my boss that I wasn't happy with my job, in fact i hated it, and if he had a position available (and if he wanted to keep me) he needed to put me back in the lab; where I am happy doing my work.
So as of last friday, I have been put back full time in the lab. And that makes me happy! It's hard work, harder then sitting in a office meeting families, but I like it. It's more work too, but at the end of the day, I feel like what I did mattered (more then meeting families). I don't feel worthless in the lab (well I do get some days where I am...but i'm still working on that, didn't say I was cured)

Challenge to find Happiness = in progress, but going in the right direction.

My next challenge was to find energy and socialize. Now if you know me (which you probably do) I am probably the laziest anti-social person you know. What can I say, I would rather lay on my couch watch movies by myself on a friday night then go out for drinks with friends. So why would I want to change that? Well it all comes back to my depression and anxiety stuff.
Not having energy to do things, and not doing things, makes me depress and being depress sucks in all my energy. Being around people makes me anxious and uncomfortable and having anxiety doesn't make me want to be with people.....ahhhhhhh. So you see, we are back in that vicious circle.
So I want to fix that. Even if it is something that doesn't bother me all that much (meh! who needs friends when you have an awesome cat like mine!) so that's why it's a challenge. I am trying to put myself in social situations and hope I don't freak out too much.
The first step I took was to sign up for a class. I decided that  it would get me moving and I am in  a social environment. I started doing Belly dancing! and to be honest, I like it a lot. I go once a week for 1 hour. I haven't really talked to anyone yet in the class....but let's take it one step at the time. So for this challenge, I decided to sign up for a different class each time. Right now it's Belly dancing and who knows what it will be next (I'm thinking Burlesque or maybe keep up with Belly dancing but up it for twice a week).

And the last challenge I gave myself is my weight. I know I know, I have said many times that I want to lose weight and I have done every diets possible and failed at them (because I like to give up on things that are hard) so this one is to be taken with a grain of salt. I decided to not set a weight goal. I don't want to get to X amount of  pounds or lose X amount of pounds. I don't have a time frame either. I just don't think by seting myself a goal weight is working with me. Instead, I see how far I need to go and it makes me depress, so I eat more. I don't want to obess with a number anymore. I know how much I weight right now, and I know that it's too much. I also know that if I don't do something right now, In a few years I will probably have diabetes (my dad was diabetic) or heart problems (i've seen too many young people on my table die from heart attacks) and I know the older I get the harder it will be. So I want to get healthy. I figured that by losing weight without setting a goal, it will make it easier. My goal is to get to a weight where I feel good about myself. I made some changes, like for instance I have bought a pedometer. I know on a daily basis I walk about 3 miles a day....according to the interweb, that's average. But If i want to lose weight, I need to walk between 5 to 8 miles a day....well let's start with 4. Now that the weather is getting nicer, maybe i'll be able to walk those 5 to 8 miles a day...who knows! I have also started moving everyday. I try to do some exercise. I try something different every day, I go on youtube and pick a video. Usually I do something for 10-15 minutes. It's not a lot I know, but it's 10-15 minutes more then I usually do....and 10-15 minutes less of being lazy. And the last thing I have changed is I have gone Gluten Free for the last 5 days. I don't know how much this will play into this health gain, but one thing for sure is that I am eating less carbs and more veggies. Because Gluten free diets are the craze right now, there is a lot of materials online, like recipes and tips and a lot of products in the groceries or restaurants going Gluten free, so it is getting more accessible. And maybe who knows, maybe I have been gluten intolerant all this time and didn't know. Well, I am trying it for 2 weeks, to see how it goes. If it doesn't make any difference then I'll go back to counting calories or whatnot...but if it seems to do me good, I may just keep it up. The reason why I decided to do that was simply because there is 2 girls at work who are gluten intolerant and we just got talking about it and I said "Well i'm going to try to be gluten free for 2 weeks." I have nothing to lose really so why not (hey it's one of those diets I haven't tried yet) I mean, being gluten you still get to eat the same stuff, just made differently.

Challenge to get healthy : in progress and not craving pasta and bread too much right now.

So that's what going on in my life right now.

I have been going around in circle for too long and got bored with it so I figured I should try a different path and see where that will lead me. I may go back to my comfy circle after a while....but that's ok.  Those are the challenges I have set myself because I want to face them and if it doesn't work, then it's done with and I can move on to the next challenge. At least I would have tried.

Or maybe i'm talking smack and in a week i'll be F@#$ this!
I don't know, all i know is right now I am tired of feeling like crap all the time, so I'm making changes.

Monday, January 21, 2013

Johnny's Entertainment Goods Sales

Hi, due to lack of money to finance my future trip to Japan, I decided to do a bit of spring cleaning in my JE Goods and put some of them for sales.

  • You will find a picture of the goods, a small description and the price (IN CANADIAN DOLLAR) below.

  • Please use this website to figure our the exchange rate in your country. Just enter my prices and it will tell you how much it is in your currency. http://www.xe.com/ucc/

  •  I will ship everywhere in the world, but you must pay for the shiping at cost. 


Items are listed by Goods, not Groups.

All in good conditions, always kept in a photobook.
Some are doubled as shown on pictures.
1 photo = 2.50$
4 photos = 8$ (*save 2$)
Official Concert Tour photos = 10$ (the whole pack)

 Kanjani8 EightxEighter Official Concert tour group photo. Sold only during the concert tour.
 Maruyama Ryuhei - EightxEighter Official Concert tour solo photo. Sold only during the concert tour.
 Arashi - Ohno Satoshi x Matsumoto Jun
Arashi - Sakurai Sho
 Kat-tun 6nin - Keep the Faith PV group shot red (x2)
Kat-tun 6nin - Keep the Faith PV group shot black (x2)
 Kat-tun - Nakamaru Yuichi x Kamenashi Kazuya Keep the Faith
Kat-tun - Kamenashi Kazuya x Tanaka Koki x Nakamaru Yuichi
Ka-tun - Nakamaru Yuichi x Tanaka Koki
 Kat-tun- Nakamaru Yuichi in white (x2)
Kat-tun- Nakamaru Yuichi shirtless (x2)
Kat-tun- Nakamaru Yuichi heart
 Kat-tun- Kamenashi Kazuya Double Peace (x2)
Kat-tun - Kamenashi Kazuya (x2)
Kat-tun- Kamenashi Kazuya Sunglasses (x2)
 Kat-tun- Kamenashi Kazuya One peace (x2)
Kat-tun- Kamenashi Kazuya Darling (x2)
Kat-tun- Kamenashi Kazuya Lips PV
 Kanjani8 - Nishikido Ryo x Subaru shibutani
Kanjani8- OhkuraTadayoshi x Nishikido Ryo TORN
Kanjani8 - Gorilla Hina x Nishikido Ryo

 NEWS- Taiyo no Namida Koyama x Massu x Yamapi (x2)
NEWS - Taiyo no Namida Massu x Yamapi, x Ryo x Tego (x2)
NEWS 6nin - Taiyo no Namida group (x2)
 NEWS 6nin - photoshot
NEWS 6nin- Concert shot (x2)
Tokio - Nagase Tomoya
Tokio- Masahiro Matsuoka Yasuko to Kenji style

Tuesday, January 1, 2013


Well this is it! Another year bites the dust!
Bye Bye 2012!
You have been good....not fantastic, but you did your job.

I started the year by going to be around 11pm so that I could wake up to 2012.
And now I started the year by going to bed around 11pm to also wake up to 2013.

To be honest, I haven't "rang in" the New year in a few years.

2012 started with me being "on call" for work....and so did 2013.

It's like i'm doing full circle!

Since my memory is fuzzy, i will go along with my facebook timeline to remember what happened each months.

In the second portion of my internship in Sturgeon Falls. This month was pretty unevenfull. My sister turned the big 3-0. My niece was barely 2 months old. And I started my resolution, the same one i make very year. The same one that last 2-3 months : get in shape! I started with the 30 days shred. It was hard but I saw myself to do something I never could before : plank and normal push-ups. I also started seeing a dietitian. She helped me understand the importance of vitamines...but that was pretty it. I ended up gainning weight in that period. hmmm. I also got a job interview for a funeral home in Toronto. But i ended up turning the offer down a few months later.

It started with me reading The Hunger Game, which i became pretty obsess with afterward. My mom and chris came for a visit and we celebrated my mom's birthday. By the end of the month, i went to a Girl's night out charity event for the Colon Cancer awareness event. We got to invade a hotel, wear our PJ's and drink all night as we got pedi, a magic show and a psychic show.

I got my job interview for the job I currently have. My sister, mom and niece came to visit and we went wedding dress shopping for my mom. It was a sucess because we found it in the first store after trying on the 7th dress. The movie Hunger Games came out, and i saw it twice.

I had a little trip down to Ottawa to meet my new employers and eat some St-Hubert. I started packing my appartment and was almost done my internship. I seemed to have discovered Pinterest then lol

Had it's ups and downs. I finished my intership and prepared my big move to Ottawa. I got to see an old friend (Nicky) and got to karaoke with him for a night. Started my new job in a prep center and quickly realized that this was what i wanted to do for the rest of my life. Then we had to say goodbye to Ucchi. She had a hard time to adjust to the new changes of moving and her condition turned for the worse overnight.

Went back to school to write my exams and passed with no problem. Also got to write my Board of Funeral Services licensing exams....stressfull! Got to spend a couple of days in my mom's pool as a graduate before going back to Ottawa. Got myself a brand new kitty : Bussan to keep Ozzy-chan company...but they don't get along...oops.

Well we had the Olympics!  But first, i got to spend a weekend in montreal with my cousin where we spent our time at La Ronde. Then I got my results from my licensing exam and I passed thus making me an official Funeral Director.

I'm 28....yikes! don't feel like it. I feel more like 21...Celebrated my birthday by going to Calypso waterpark! Loads of fun! Meanwhile, my sister and her family are in the philippines and Japan. My niece is slowly learning how to walk at 10 months old. The Eito Ranger movie is out in Japan. And I discover a small Japanese community in Ottawa.

I finalize my new tattoo. Got my hair done..and that's about as much excitment i got that month.

My mom and Chris got married. Beautiful wedding with lots of awesome people! My niece walked down the aisle too. My job decide that it's time for me to leave the prepcenter and move me to another location (quite upseting) my niece turns 1 year old so we throw her a big costume party! I was a garden gnome!

Ozzy-chan's health is deteriorating.  Get a visit from my family. My cousin Sandrine moves in with me, so we do a little reno and rip out the pink carpet in the living room so we can paint the wood floor chocolate brown. Slowly getting ready for the holidays.

The final month! Discover Buffy the Vampire Slayer and become addicted. Start preparing things for Christmas. Finish my shopping. Receive my cousins, their boyfriends and my aunt for Christmas eve. Work New Year's eve. Ozzy-chan is really sick with a cold...and the world didn't end!

And here we are!

2012 wasn't an overly exciting year for me. I feel like it was the year of ending. Like everything I had been working toward too for the past years, all came to en end in 2012 : Graduating from school, Finishing my internship, Getting my license, Preparationg for my mom's Wedding....ect.
They were big events...so now i feel like 2013 is lacking focus.

What am I looking forward too in 2013?.....not much really. I don't actually have plans for the next year. I work and that's pretty much it.

So i need to give myself goals.

Well for starters my resolution will be "to be happy". I feel like I have been lacking happiness in my personal and professional life in the last few years. And well, depression is playing a part in that. So i need to take care of that. I'm tired of feeling unhappy about things and unmotivated. It really took a big blow when at work I got transfered to do the part of my job that I do not like and got pulled out of the part of my job I loved. So now i need to find ways to be happy so I can enjoy working again and being around people.

Next, I would like to go back to school. I would like to go to University part-time so that slowly I can get myself a B.A. Since I already have a career, i'm just looking to take courses in something I enjoy, rather then something to get a job later. So i've been thinking of doing a Major in Arts and a minor in Asian Studies/japanese. Since I love painting and doing arts and I would like to learn how to properly speak Japanese. So i'm thinking of joining University part-time by September. I don't care how long it takes me, but I would really like a B.A.

I would also like to travel this year. I haven't traveled in 4 years, so i'm itching to go different places. Of course i'd like to go back to Japan, but it is getting ridiculously expensive...so I am looking to go to Orlando to spend some time at Universal Studio in the Harry Potter world. I'd also would like to go to England and see what goes on there.

Well so far that's about it for 2013. I hope it turns out to be a good year. I don't have much expectation for it, so it's not like i'm getting my hopes high for an awesome year, hopefully it won't be too bad ahahah

So bring it on 2013! Show me what you got!!