Monday, December 22, 2014

Another Year as gone by! Bye bye 2014

Wooo! What a year! Lot's of ups and Down...but mostly downs.
But I made it through another year!

Bye Bye 2014, Hello 2015!

This year, I moved back home to be close to my family and for their support after my burn out. I started a new job that, at first, seemed to have been a great opportunity, but ended up being "another experience" under my belt. I was laid off from said job after 10 months, and since I have been on unemployment.

My mental state got worse at the beginning of the year, up to my "laid off" period.  But i'm still here and still going strong (or at least trying to be strong).

I'm not going to go in detail about my depression and anxiety, I have made plenty of post about that in the past. This time, I want to be possitive. End the year in a Possitive note.

Going on Unemployment has opened my eyes to new opportunities. As much as I loved my job (for the most part), I think a change is in order. I am planning on returning to school and studying Childhood Education. I have always been good with children (some may say i am wonderful with them) and in the past, when I worked with kids, I didn't feel this overwhelmed sensation of anxiety everyday. So maybe, with the proper trainning, I have a (more relaxed) future working with children in the education environment.

I have also started seeing a Psychiatric. I know, this is a scary word. Usually people of who sees a Psy, they have major mental problems....well I'm one of them and I'm thankful to have someone willing to help me find out what is wrong with me and how to fix my brain. So after our first appointment, he was able to diagnose me with 4 possible illness. I am doing different tests right now, to try and rule out the ones that aren't and pin point the ones that are. So that I can start treatment for the proper thing. One of the diagnose is unfinished grieving from my father's death 15 years ago. He thinks, I might still be stuck in the depression stage of my grieving and never was able to move on from it. Make sense, when you think about it. For that, I am signed up for group therapy, just waiting for the sessions to start at the moment.

At the moment, with all the free time I have, I have been helping my sister with her kids. Since she is doing her PHD and has to be at University some days, I take care of my niece and nephew and I enjoy it. It is exhausting though. I can't see myself having kids anytime soon ahahahah. I love other people's kids, don't get me wrong, but as for me, I think I will be quite happy with a house with cats, dogs and reptiles ahahah.

I am lucky to have such a great supporting family. Sometimes, I feel like such a disappointment. but they still hang around and try to help me. I'm grateful for that. I promise i will get my sh*t together one day ahaha.

For the next year, I don't know what's going to happend. I will keep up with my therapy, helping my sister out with the kids and looking forward of starting my new program in school. In February, I will be going with my sister's to Florida for her conference. I'm basically the Nanny. I am looking forward of spending time with the kids down there, while my sister is doing conference stuff lol. We planned on going to the Zoo and perhaps the beach too (we wont be anywhere close to Orlando, so disney is a no go. Beside the kids are too young for that). We will be driving with 2 toddlers ahahah should be interesting (19 hrs!!)

I would also like to go back to Florida (Orlando this time) with my cousin to go visit Hogwarts at universal. I have travel points saved up, so that would help to pay for half of the trip...but it is still just talk right now. But we'll see.

Well that's all for me. 2012 was difficult, 2013 was harder and 2014 was really 2015 can't be any worse!

I wish you all a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

Monday, October 13, 2014

There's been a change in me.

Well Hello there!
It's been a while and a lot has changed or is in the process of changing since the last time I wrote here.
If i remember, my last few posts were rather depressing.

Well, I decided to make a change in that.

Back in June, my work probation ended, and I wasn't doing too well mentally. So I took up the courage to ask for a change at work. I went from full-time work to Part-time work (so 48hrs a week to 21hrs a week). With all that free time on hand, I decided to get healthier mentally.
Well, I started taking care of my niece and nephew twice a week. This way, my sister was able to work on her PHD Thessis and what-not (sorry, I don't understand all that university mambo-jimbo lol)

I also requested an adjustment to my medication, because obviously, they weren't working. So now I am on a completely different medication and it's going better. I sleep better and feel mentally better.
I also had an evaluation of my mental illness. Turns out that the main issue isn't Depression, but Sever Social Anxiety. My anxiety causes my depression and vice versa. So my new medication helps mostly with anxiety rather then depression. Anyways, it was kinda nice to know that not everything is lost!

About 4 weeks ago, I also started working out. I started the Insanity programm by Shaun T of Beachbody. And well, it is IN-SANE! but hey! 4 weeks later and i'm still doing it! Basically it is 9 weeks (60 days) workout, everyday (except for 1 day off a week). Lots of Cardio!!! I'm hopinh to be able to finish it!
Today I started week 4 and I'm starting to see physical changes, so GO ME! (I will probably do a post about my workout another day).

But the biggest changes I had so far was that....I was laid off at work. After working Part-time for a couple of months, they realized that the business is not "busy' enough and they can't afford to keep me (or so they said). So now I am unemployed.

It was a shock at first. I cried. But by the time I drove back home with all my things in a box and a paycheck for the next 2 weeks...I felt better. In a weird way, I'm kinda glad I was let go. Don't get me wrong, I LOVED my job....for one part...and DISLIKED the rest of it. Most of my anxiety issues were being related back to my really, it's almost a blessing in disguised.
I am keeping my license, and I will offer my skills as an embalmer, but I won't make it a career anymore.

So What am I going to do? Well, after spending a whole day looking for a temporary job, I realized that maybe I should go back to school. I have the experience and skills to work as a Child Educator, or Teacher Assistant. I am going back and forth between Colleges right now, to find the right fit for me. But one thing, I am staying close to home. I am lucky to have a place to stay for free and a family to support my decision to go back to school, so i'd be crazy to throw this out.

So this is were I'm at. 30 years old, unemployed, ready to go back to school for the 3rd time! Hey like they say "3rd time a charm" right?

I may not be were I was picturing myself to be by this time, but I don't have regrets. I had a great experience in the Funeral Business but maybe it's just not the right thing for me, and that's O.K. Maybe one day i'll go back to it, but right now I don't think it is the right thing for me considering my mental state.

So wish me luck, I hoping all these new changes will bring some positive energy on my side.

Oh and I started going to a Buddhist Temple for Meditation ;-)

Wednesday, June 4, 2014

Overdue update

I was really hoping to be writing a happy blog post (for once) but alas, it will just be some more depressing thoughts like the previous ones. So you have been warned.

For the past year and half I have been struggling deeply with my mental illness. I hate to call it that, because part of me thinks this is ridiculous and I should just "get over it" and "snap out of it, everyone feels the same, you're not any special"...So i muster the courage to get out, smile and  tell myself (and those asking) "everything is fine. I'm Happy"

but it's hard.

It's hard because the other part of me just wants to crawl in a hole and cry. I'm lost to be honest. Lost between happiness and total despair. Some days are good, but most aren't. And i'm stuck with the thoughts of "get over it, you're an adult, stop being childish. this is how it is supposed to be. This is what being an adult is all about"

This is what being an adult is all it?

Please tell me because I'm lost. I will be 30 years old in 2 months. All my friends my age, are settling down, getting married, working jobs, having kids, buying I should too, right?
I should start thinking of my future. Investing in my future. I got a steady job that gives me fianancial sercurity. In a couple of months I will be buying a house, so the next step will be to find someone and get married, right? Everyone around me seems so proud of me. Finally, I am settling down. Finally, I have a bright and secure future ahead of me.

But to be honest, it scares the crap out of me. It scares me because this is not what I want. I already came to the conclusion that I will not and I do not want kids. It's not because I don't like them. I love them and I'm good with them....but I am way too f-up in the head to be permantly taking care of a child. I can't even take care of myself, how am I supposed to be reponsible for a child. I belive that in order to have kids, you need to be somewhat sane for them. Be able to take care of them first. I can't even do that with myself. If things go wrong with me, how am I suppose to focus on a kid. I will resent that kid and it will resent me. So better not have any. It sounds selfish, but the way I see it, it would be more selfish of me to bring a child in this world and not be able to give them my 100% care and love.

I got a steady secure job...for the moment. It just seem for the past 3 years this is all I have been focusing my energy on...and everyday, it just drains me more and more...everyday I am less and less happy about it. Is that normal? This is the job I have been chasing after for years. this is my Dream job...but  A part of me, love my job, the other part hates it. Lately it has been tough. I started back in january in a new location. I have more responsibilities, but we are less busy. I thought it would be a good change. I am closer to my family, the people I work with are nice. I thought ti would help me get better......but i feel like I am ready to quit. Not quit and go elsewhere for the same job....quit all together the business.
My confidence is droping everyday. I always feel like i'm walking on eggshells. That I am never "good enough" or do things "right enough". Every morning I come in to work and I get told that "this is not right" or "you forgot to do this"....then I go home after a "good day" and I get text messages of "you made this mistake" "This is not how it should be done"...There is just always something wrong. Nothing big, nothing dangerous...but always something wrong. It's never good enough or done the right way. I just never do anything right. I can't go a day without one of them telling me I did something good. there is always something wrong. But like i said, nothing big...but it just keeps adding up and it just always seems like anything i do, sucks. The only time i feel confident, or that i do a good job is in the preproom. the rest of the time, I suck. I suck so much that I feel like they don't let me "be" a funeral director. All i do all day is clean or be the receptionist...while they do "funeral director" things.and apparently I suck in those department too.
I'm tired of feeling like crap. I'm tired of feeling anxious everday, waiting to see what i'm gonna screw up today. I'm only on probation, and I fear that at the end, they won't want to keep me. I already feel like I'm losing their trust because I am not capable of doing things to their standars.
I try so hard everyday to go into work and pay the most attention to all the details so i don't forget something or don't screw up a task.I smile, I am energetic, I leave my crazy at home....but they always find something wrong.
So because of that, I am losing confidence in my work and losing the joy of it.

To think about it, since being licensed, it feels like I have been regressing. Emotionally and mentally. Like I have been struggling with my job since the start. It constently feel like I am doggy paddling in order to stay afloat....Now it's to the point where I don't think this is what I want to do for the next 10 years...let alone 5 years.

So i'm stuck. Because everyone is so proud of my achievements. If i quit, I would be disappointing them all....again.
I"m stuck, because this is the job I have been wanting to do ever since I was a kid...and now that i'm doing it, I'm not even sure anymore if I enjoy it.I feel overwhelemed, anxious, lack confidence.... Is it me? Is it the job? Is it the Location? Does every body feels the same way about their jobs?

I'm stuck because I am an adult and isn't this what I am supposed to do?

If i were to quit...what am I going to do next? I can't just not do anything...(although most days, that's the only options I would like to have.) I wish I was 10 years younger, because in your 20's, it's OK to go from job to job, to not know what you want to do with your life....but I am going to be 30...I have to settle. Be responsible. But does it mean, I shouldn't be happy?

I want to escape it all. This feeling of unworthyness, this constant anxiety of not being good enough or strong enough. I hate myself for feeling this way constantely. I'm tired of making my family angry with my fickleness, I'm tired of making them worry about me.

When is this crappy feeling going to stop?

Is this what being and adult feels like? If so, I don't want to be an adult.

Sunday, March 9, 2014

I'm So sick

Well there it is. I'm  sick. Actually, I've been sick since hmmmmm Christmas I think. I caught a cold before Christmas and it seems like it is still lingering. Every week, I have headaches, runny nose, low energy. Sometimes I feel good, but that usually last 2-3 days and then the cold starts again.

I've tried everything...but now i'm so sick of being sick. My nose hurts so much, my skin is so tight and dry, my hair lost its shine, my nails breaks easily, i'm always dehydrated, I have sores in my nose from blowing it too much, it feels like I got punched in the nose.


I'm so sick of winter. This year was aweful. It's like we got 5 winters in 1. But you all know that.

On a lighter note.

I started my new job on January 6. It has been 2 months now and I quite enjoy it. The people are really nice and i'm learning so much from them too. I feel like i'm growing as a funeral Director where as before I felt stuck.  I meet families, I do funerals, I  do prep work, I do everything, I work sometimes 14 hours a day. I work 8 days in a row before I get 1 day off. But I like it and i'm doing it all without having anxiety attacks.

I don't know if it's because my meds finally kicked in, but i'm good right now. Morning are not hard, and I enjoy my work. But when I have a day off, my body just collapses from the sickness. So that sucks.

I started going Tanning and it seems to help me feel a bit better and relaxes my tired muscles. But I want to feel better soon!

I am currently In the market of being a condo. it's stressful ahahah I found the perfect place but the bank won't approve me for a mortgage until my probation at work is over...which is in June. So i'm hoping it will still be in the market by then. I really like that place and it is in my price range (which is really low btw). Keep finger cross.

It's silly, but i can't wait to live on my own again. I miss my cat (who is currently living at my sister's) and I miss my rhythm. The quietness of things. And I want to decorate the place! make it my own!!

In June, I will also be running a 5km again. It's the same thing as Run or Dye, which I did last year. You run and they throw colors at you, at the end you look like a messy rainbow ahaha I don't think i'll be running much of it. I'm so out of shape, but i'll do my best and it will be a start. I'll run it with Phenix ahahah

So far nothing really exciting in happening. I work a lot, but it's good. I spend time with my family, and that's good. I am  thinking about my future more and making long term plans (like buying a house), and that's good.

I'm SO sick....but i'm good!