Friday, October 4, 2013

I'm tired.

I'm tired.
This is another post about the taboo subject of Depression.
Why is it taboo? There is more people suffering from depression then you would think. And most of those people, they don't even know that they suffer from depression because no one wants to talk about it.
It's a mental illness. There is no cure. There is, though, help and bandaids.

In my last post, i mentioned that I had started taking medication to help get me through the day. It's been over 2 months now and I can admit that I am getting better. But I am tired still. It's not as bad as before though. I don't feel like i'm free falling into a pit...but more like i'm climbing out of the whole. Sometimes I feel like i'm making progress, then other times I have a slip off.
It's tireing.
When you wake up in the morning, you never know what kind of day it's going to be.
I understand everyone feels that way, but when you have depression, it's like 10x worse. Something that would normally requires little effort or creates little disappointment, turns out to take all the strength in the world and makes you feel like it is the worse day of your life. The worse part is you know that this is ridiculous, you know that you shouldn't feel this way (at least to that extent) but you can't help it. It just is.

You constantly go from more end of the spectrum of emotions to the other. There is no middle ground. If you are're not just sad, you are SAD. If you are angry, it's not just anger is MOTHERF$%?# ANGER...ect you get the idea. Little things makes you feels big emotions. Can you imagine how drainning this gets to be and the worse part is that you have to hide it so people don't think you are crazy.

At least when you take medication, or any other help available, it helps tone down those emotions. It shorten the emotion spectrum.  But it takes a while until you reach the part where you start feeling normal. I'm not there yet. Some days, I feel completely normal and happy...then anything can trigger a short fall. And when you fall, it's hard to get back up. It takes time.

Right now i'm tired. My head feels mushy.It's making me want to just "screw" everything. My stress level is high right now and it's making me tired and I have trouble sleeping.
But i'm holding on to the fact that in 6 days I get to go back home and decompress. I'll get to meet my new nephew and see my niece and be there for her birthday and halloween. I'll be able to just "be" and not worry about work and life in general. Do the things I love with the people I love. So if I can keep holding on until then, things will be alright, until next time..

6 more days.