100 days

Hello, I thought I would update you all on my journey.

I realized that tomorrow will mark my 100th day since I started my weight loss.

It seems like forever ago, but really it isn't.

So far I have lost a total of 25 pounds. Which breaks it down to about an average of 1.5-2lbs a week. I think that is reasonnable. I am still in the phase 1 of my diet (eventhough I have reached my 10% goal, i still need to get my BMI between 30-35...right now I sit at 38). I remember struggling the first 3 weeks. Man, it was hard and depressing...now, not so much. I have taken use to eating salads and chicken everyday ahahahah.
But seriously, lately I haven't been as strick as I should be. I have gave in into some cravings. With the nice weather and  happiness around the corner, I have indulged a couple of times to some bad habits. I didn't feel so much regrets after, but I did realized that the food that I used to love, that I still idolized in my head, doesn't taste as good as I remember. More of a "meh!" moment after eating it....which then removes that craving and I keep going about my day.
Here's a few things I have eaten in the last 3 weeks, that isn't diet approved.
McDonald egg muffin - got sick after for 3 days, that's done!
Poutine - Was the most unsatisfied things I have ever ate in the last 100 days, total "MEH"
Tim Hortons Nutella donut - had to try it, as anyone who knows me I am a die-hard nutella fan....well it was way too sweet and gave my stomach a turn, so no thank you.
Bread - normal bread...ok I had 2 bites, but man that was good! granted my diet bread taste the same, so I wont go back to normal bread for a little while. Gotta keep those carbs low.
Fruits- So i know they are in my phase 2 of my diet, so it's not so much a big no-no, so i don't feel guilty about it, but I don't indulge in it either.

So i think that's about it. It's not too bad to be honest. There might be a couple of other things were I had a bite or two, but when I know it's not Diet Approve, I don't go crazy on it and I am able to control myself...so that's a good start.

Now my biggest problem, is working out. I am having such a hard time to find the time or commitment to work out. Now that the nice weather is here, it is a bit easier...but still. I'm sorta waiting to see my summer schedule with work (when the school will close, I will only be working at the daycare, but I don't know what my hours are) so I am thinking of joinning the YMCA and work out with my sister during my breaks. Also I am planning on spending lots of time in the pool. I know if I work out, the weight will fall off quicker and easier, but it is sooooo hard ahahhaah

As for my Therapy, it's going very well. The group therapy is turning out to be very useful. I am learning a lot of skills on how to cope with anxiety and I have put some of them in practice too. Today, in my private session, my therapist suggested that I start making a structure life. Set specific times for myself to relax and calm my brain (aka Meditation). We practice a lot of Mindfullness meditation, and I find it to be very usefull. So I decided to clear out my bedroom and set a place where I can practice my meditation. I think by having a spot specific to it, will help me practice more on a daily basic.
I now have a work routine, but in order to help my anxiety, I need to create a routine for my personal life.
Structuring my life like this, will be much better I think. Working out and Meditation is in the process right now.

Overall, I feel much happier and less stressed out. I am starting to have the taste of returning to the things I used to love. I am painting more, I am singing more. I restarted listening to Kanjani8, I go out more, I have friends ect. I still have work to do, but I am feeling better.

I recently registered myself with the Ontario College of Trades, and I am registering to school in order to get my ECE certification. I do think as of right now, I made the right choice to change career. But I am still not certain of renewing my Funeral Director license for next year. I really don't think i'll go back to this (at least not for a long while, beside it is 200$ to renew too)

So now you are up to date....a lot can happen in 100 days!

Day 23 of Weight loss

So I decided to talk a bit more in detail about my new Weight Loss Program.

On January 28, 2015, I started a Metabolic Diet. I had never heard of it, but my Psychiatric had recommended it to me (well he got me a referal). He said, that if I lost weight, I might feel more confident. Perhaps he is right, although I never really had issues with my weight (sure some days it sucks, and I hate shopping) I guess i had gotten used to being overweight.
So on the 28, I made my way to the clinic.
The nurse greeted me and brought me in a back room where she took my blood pressure and weight me on this awesome scale. I say awesome because it gives full details on my body. The weight, the BMI, the Fat %, the Water %, the total Fat, Total water and lots of other things.
The after that i was brought in another room, where i met with the Doctor. He gave me a brochure that said "Metabolic MD, Phase 1" and explained to me that there is 3 phases.

I started at 243lbs (i'm 5'3", so yeah....not good)

Phase 1 is the hardest because you are detoxing your body from sugar, salts, carbs..ect. You get your body into a "safe starvation" where it will start burning the excess fat in your body for energy rather then using the sugar intake and storing more fat. All I am allowed to eat in this Phase is Green Leafy vegetables (Lettuces, Spinash, Kales), Protein (Chicken, Meat, Fish), Lemon Juice, Water and Tea all I can eat, and then up to 4 cups of vegetables (no roots vegetables). Also i am allowed of 10-12 NET carbs per day. the NET carbs is basically the amount of Carbonhydrates minus Fibers minus Sugar Alcohols. Let me tell you, most food has over 30 Carbonhydrates...So not Easy. But I get to be on Phase 1 until I reach 10% of my weight. In my case 24lbs! Now it is important to NOT cheat in this Phase, because if you do, you are basically starting over. It takes about 7 days for your body to understand that you are not starving and that you have sufficient energy to burn within you. But if you cheat, it goes into "omg i'm starving..better stock up this fat".

Phase 2, you start introducing more food. Like certain fruits and certain grains. You stay on this Phase until you reach your ideal weight (I'm aiming for 150lbs, I don't want to be skinny, I like my curves)

Then Phase 3, you introduce more food and also learn how to maintain your weight.

Oh and throughout those phases, you are subject to random pee test lol
Also, if you fail to follow the program, you will get kicked out of it. I mean, it is covered by OHIP so, they are not gonna pay for someone who isn't serious about it.

Now it is 23 days since I started this program and I have lost a total of 14lbs....so 10 more pounds to go until I reach Phase 2.

After doing research, It pretty much looks a lot like Atkins Diet...but perhaps more strick.

My Psychiatric told me that he has seen a lot of success with this place, people losing 20-30 lbs the first month and people losing over 70lbs in a year. I didn't really believe it, but today at my weigh-in, I met this girl (maybe a bit older then me) who lost over 70lbs in the last year and she looked Fabulous!! (maybe 125lbs now), so it gives me hope that this girl can be me by next year!

Things I have noticed since losing weight.

I have Weird dreams! mostly all about food. Pizza, Mcdonalds, Poutine, Fettucinnis...ect you name it!!! I miss SALT!!!! not so much the sugar, but man I miss puting salt on my food...but that's a big no (retains water).
I can see my collar bone!!! and my cheeks are not as puffy anymore. I look less Round face and more Oval lol
I have a definition between my stomach and Boobs...that's a good thing!
I have lost about 2-3 inches on my hips, so my pants fit better. When i sit for a long time, the button doesn
My mom and sister say they can see a waiste on me!

The first 2 weeks were brutal! coming from someone who never ate salads, to eating it 3 times a day...it was tough. But this week was better. I'm finding things I can eat (granted I have to go to special low carbs groceries), i'm starting to have more energy too.

Next week i'm off to Florida. So the doctor said that if I have trouble eating on the road or eating out, I can always go on Phase 3. Which will make me stay on my current weight rather then gainning some or starving. Now I don't intend on touching too much of Phase 3 foods. I will try to stick to my Phase 1 list and in case of emergency, maybe eat some foods from Phase 3. I don't know, I plan on losing my 10lbs during the vacation, since we will be walking alot, I am hoping that will help me.

So this is what I have been eating lately lol. This is not recommended for everyone! (although my mom is doing it with me as a way to support me, although she is not as strick, she still eats fruits and some salts, but she is not being followed by a doctor, so this is better for her). This Diet really is a last chance weight lost for overweight people (often used to lose weight for sugery, or alternative before you go for a bypass or lipo).
I may not have looked like it, but I am obese (if not morbidly obese) with a BMI at 44 (now 40, mind you). I had to do this. My father was diabetic, I didn't want to end up like that or worse, get a stroke in my 30's.

Once I return from Florida, I will consider restarting Insanity Workout! Now that i getting more energy and not feeling as dizzy anymore. I think my body finally realized that I have plenty of reserves to use lol.

Rebooting myself

Being unemployed has given me a lot of free time...but yet, I feel like I am busier (more busy)  then before. That's because I am busy. I am doing a lot of things with my free time. Aside from driving my mom to her physio appointments, I am rebooting myself.

Now is the time to do it.

Since October I have been seeing a Psychiatric to diagnose what's going on in my mind. I am also seeing a therapist to find tools to work on my anxiety probelms. Recently i started working out. I am doing Insanity Max 30, 5 times a week. It is difficult, but it is fun! I am already seeing progress after only a week. If you don't know anything about the program Insanity by BeachBody, I suggest you look it up. It is by far the best program of workout (no tools needed, only your body) and gives amazing results! (I have witnessed it with people I know, not just internet people lol)

Yesterday, I had my first appointment at a Medical Weight Loss Clinic. The Weight loss is similar to Bernstein's Diet or Atkins. It is a low-carb diet in 3 Phases. Phase 1 is mostly Green Vegetables and Proteins. Eliminating Almost (if not all) Carbs, Sugars and Salts. Then when I reach a weight loss of 24lbs, I will start Phase 2, that will reintroduce some components. Then when i reach my ideal weight, I will be going on Phase 3, which teaches you to maintain your weight. It is a very strick diet, specially Phase 1. It is teaching my body to stop using Carbs and Sugars as my main source of Energy and instead use the stored fats as my main source of energy. It teaches my body that, no I am not in a starvation mode. I have everything I need in me already. Then it will know that it doesn't need to store for much fats each time i eat.

Anyways, that's what I gathered so far. So today is Day 1. Started off my day with a good old Protein Shake. For lunch I will enjoy a big old Salad with some protein in it and for Dinner I need 1/3 Protein, 1/3 Green Leaves and 1/3 Fresh Vegetables.....Like I said, it's not going to be easy lol.

So with all these changes, i am taking care of my mind and body. I have the time to do it and surprisingly, it doesn't cost me anything! Did you know that we have a pretty good systeme for mental health care? All you need is a referal from your family doctor. Once I got that, OHIP covered my sessions with the Psychiatric, which then refers me to a Therapist (also covered), which then send me to a Weight loss clinic (also covered), which then send me to a Sleep Clinic (also covered)...All this together, will help me find myself and get better and live a normal life! All I had to do is Ask. There is help available for everyone who needs it, you just need to be open about it and determined to get better.

If you need help, it's there for you! If you don't know where to start or don't have a family Doctor, check this place out Ontario Mental Health Assosiation  (if you are outside of Ontario, search within your provice for Mental Health Assosiation) Or if you just wanna talk, I'm here, just drop me an email or Facebook message or write your email below in the comments and I'll contact you.

I am possitive that losing my job in October was a sign to get better. Now that I have the time, I will take care of myself (instead of focusing on others).  And I have all the support I need to do it. All I had to do was Ask!

Another Year as gone by! Bye bye 2014

Wooo! What a year! Lot's of ups and Down...but mostly downs.
But I made it through another year!

Bye Bye 2014, Hello 2015!

This year, I moved back home to be close to my family and for their support after my burn out. I started a new job that, at first, seemed to have been a great opportunity, but ended up being "another experience" under my belt. I was laid off from said job after 10 months, and since I have been on unemployment.

My mental state got worse at the beginning of the year, up to my "laid off" period.  But i'm still here and still going strong (or at least trying to be strong).

I'm not going to go in detail about my depression and anxiety, I have made plenty of post about that in the past. This time, I want to be possitive. End the year in a Possitive note.

Going on Unemployment has opened my eyes to new opportunities. As much as I loved my job (for the most part), I think a change is in order. I am planning on returning to school and studying Childhood Education. I have always been good with children (some may say i am wonderful with them) and in the past, when I worked with kids, I didn't feel this overwhelmed sensation of anxiety everyday. So maybe, with the proper trainning, I have a (more relaxed) future working with children in the education environment.

I have also started seeing a Psychiatric. I know, this is a scary word. Usually people of who sees a Psy, they have major mental problems....well I'm one of them and I'm thankful to have someone willing to help me find out what is wrong with me and how to fix my brain. So after our first appointment, he was able to diagnose me with 4 possible illness. I am doing different tests right now, to try and rule out the ones that aren't and pin point the ones that are. So that I can start treatment for the proper thing. One of the diagnose is unfinished grieving from my father's death 15 years ago. He thinks, I might still be stuck in the depression stage of my grieving and never was able to move on from it. Make sense, when you think about it. For that, I am signed up for group therapy, just waiting for the sessions to start at the moment.

At the moment, with all the free time I have, I have been helping my sister with her kids. Since she is doing her PHD and has to be at University some days, I take care of my niece and nephew and I enjoy it. It is exhausting though. I can't see myself having kids anytime soon ahahahah. I love other people's kids, don't get me wrong, but as for me, I think I will be quite happy with a house with cats, dogs and reptiles ahahah.

I am lucky to have such a great supporting family. Sometimes, I feel like such a disappointment. but they still hang around and try to help me. I'm grateful for that. I promise i will get my sh*t together one day ahaha.

For the next year, I don't know what's going to happend. I will keep up with my therapy, helping my sister out with the kids and looking forward of starting my new program in school. In February, I will be going with my sister's to Florida for her conference. I'm basically the Nanny. I am looking forward of spending time with the kids down there, while my sister is doing conference stuff lol. We planned on going to the Zoo and perhaps the beach too (we wont be anywhere close to Orlando, so disney is a no go. Beside the kids are too young for that). We will be driving with 2 toddlers ahahah should be interesting (19 hrs!!)

I would also like to go back to Florida (Orlando this time) with my cousin to go visit Hogwarts at universal. I have travel points saved up, so that would help to pay for half of the trip...but it is still just talk right now. But we'll see.

Well that's all for me. 2012 was difficult, 2013 was harder and 2014 was hell....so really 2015 can't be any worse!

I wish you all a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

There's been a change in me.

Well Hello there!
It's been a while and a lot has changed or is in the process of changing since the last time I wrote here.
If i remember, my last few posts were rather depressing.

Well, I decided to make a change in that.

Back in June, my work probation ended, and I wasn't doing too well mentally. So I took up the courage to ask for a change at work. I went from full-time work to Part-time work (so 48hrs a week to 21hrs a week). With all that free time on hand, I decided to get healthier mentally.
Well, I started taking care of my niece and nephew twice a week. This way, my sister was able to work on her PHD Thessis and what-not (sorry, I don't understand all that university mambo-jimbo lol)

I also requested an adjustment to my medication, because obviously, they weren't working. So now I am on a completely different medication and it's going better. I sleep better and feel mentally better.
I also had an evaluation of my mental illness. Turns out that the main issue isn't Depression, but Sever Social Anxiety. My anxiety causes my depression and vice versa. So my new medication helps mostly with anxiety rather then depression. Anyways, it was kinda nice to know that not everything is lost!

About 4 weeks ago, I also started working out. I started the Insanity programm by Shaun T of Beachbody. And well, it is IN-SANE! but hey! 4 weeks later and i'm still doing it! Basically it is 9 weeks (60 days) workout, everyday (except for 1 day off a week). Lots of Cardio!!! I'm hopinh to be able to finish it!
Today I started week 4 and I'm starting to see physical changes, so GO ME! (I will probably do a post about my workout another day).

But the biggest changes I had so far was that....I was laid off at work. After working Part-time for a couple of months, they realized that the business is not "busy' enough and they can't afford to keep me (or so they said). So now I am unemployed.

It was a shock at first. I cried. But by the time I drove back home with all my things in a box and a paycheck for the next 2 weeks...I felt better. In a weird way, I'm kinda glad I was let go. Don't get me wrong, I LOVED my job....for one part...and DISLIKED the rest of it. Most of my anxiety issues were being related back to my job....so really, it's almost a blessing in disguised.
I am keeping my license, and I will offer my skills as an embalmer, but I won't make it a career anymore.

So What am I going to do? Well, after spending a whole day looking for a temporary job, I realized that maybe I should go back to school. I have the experience and skills to work as a Child Educator, or Teacher Assistant. I am going back and forth between Colleges right now, to find the right fit for me. But one thing, I am staying close to home. I am lucky to have a place to stay for free and a family to support my decision to go back to school, so i'd be crazy to throw this out.

So this is were I'm at. 30 years old, unemployed, ready to go back to school for the 3rd time! Hey like they say "3rd time a charm" right?

I may not be were I was picturing myself to be by this time, but I don't have regrets. I had a great experience in the Funeral Business but maybe it's just not the right thing for me, and that's O.K. Maybe one day i'll go back to it, but right now I don't think it is the right thing for me considering my mental state.

So wish me luck, I hoping all these new changes will bring some positive energy on my side.

Oh and I started going to a Buddhist Temple for Meditation ;-)

Overdue update

I was really hoping to be writing a happy blog post (for once) but alas, it will just be some more depressing thoughts like the previous ones. So you have been warned.

For the past year and half I have been struggling deeply with my mental illness. I hate to call it that, because part of me thinks this is ridiculous and I should just "get over it" and "snap out of it, everyone feels the same, you're not any special"...So i muster the courage to get out, smile and  tell myself (and those asking) "everything is fine. I'm Happy"

but it's hard.

It's hard because the other part of me just wants to crawl in a hole and cry. I'm lost to be honest. Lost between happiness and total despair. Some days are good, but most aren't. And i'm stuck with the thoughts of "get over it, you're an adult, stop being childish. this is how it is supposed to be. This is what being an adult is all about"

This is what being an adult is all about...is it?

Please tell me because I'm lost. I will be 30 years old in 2 months. All my friends my age, are settling down, getting married, working jobs, having kids, buying houses....so I should too, right?
I should start thinking of my future. Investing in my future. I got a steady job that gives me fianancial sercurity. In a couple of months I will be buying a house, so the next step will be to find someone and get married, right? Everyone around me seems so proud of me. Finally, I am settling down. Finally, I have a bright and secure future ahead of me.

But to be honest, it scares the crap out of me. It scares me because this is not what I want. I already came to the conclusion that I will not and I do not want kids. It's not because I don't like them. I love them and I'm good with them....but I am way too f-up in the head to be permantly taking care of a child. I can't even take care of myself, how am I supposed to be reponsible for a child. I belive that in order to have kids, you need to be somewhat sane for them. Be able to take care of them first. I can't even do that with myself. If things go wrong with me, how am I suppose to focus on a kid. I will resent that kid and it will resent me. So better not have any. It sounds selfish, but the way I see it, it would be more selfish of me to bring a child in this world and not be able to give them my 100% care and love.

I got a steady secure job...for the moment. It just seem for the past 3 years this is all I have been focusing my energy on...and everyday, it just drains me more and more...everyday I am less and less happy about it. Is that normal? This is the job I have been chasing after for years. this is my Dream job...but  A part of me, love my job, the other part hates it. Lately it has been tough. I started back in january in a new location. I have more responsibilities, but we are less busy. I thought it would be a good change. I am closer to my family, the people I work with are nice. I thought ti would help me get better......but i feel like I am ready to quit. Not quit and go elsewhere for the same job....quit all together the business.
My confidence is droping everyday. I always feel like i'm walking on eggshells. That I am never "good enough" or do things "right enough". Every morning I come in to work and I get told that "this is not right" or "you forgot to do this"....then I go home after a "good day" and I get text messages of "you made this mistake" "This is not how it should be done"...There is just always something wrong. Nothing big, nothing dangerous...but always something wrong. It's never good enough or done the right way. I just never do anything right. I can't go a day without one of them telling me I did something good. there is always something wrong. But like i said, nothing big...but it just keeps adding up and it just always seems like anything i do, sucks. The only time i feel confident, or that i do a good job is in the preproom. the rest of the time, I suck. I suck so much that I feel like they don't let me "be" a funeral director. All i do all day is clean or be the receptionist...while they do "funeral director" things.and apparently I suck in those department too.
I'm tired of feeling like crap. I'm tired of feeling anxious everday, waiting to see what i'm gonna screw up today. I'm only on probation, and I fear that at the end, they won't want to keep me. I already feel like I'm losing their trust because I am not capable of doing things to their standars.
I try so hard everyday to go into work and pay the most attention to all the details so i don't forget something or don't screw up a task.I smile, I am energetic, I leave my crazy at home....but they always find something wrong.
So because of that, I am losing confidence in my work and losing the joy of it.

To think about it, since being licensed, it feels like I have been regressing. Emotionally and mentally. Like I have been struggling with my job since the start. It constently feel like I am doggy paddling in order to stay afloat....Now it's to the point where I don't think this is what I want to do for the next 10 years...let alone 5 years.

So i'm stuck. Because everyone is so proud of my achievements. If i quit, I would be disappointing them all....again.
I"m stuck, because this is the job I have been wanting to do ever since I was a kid...and now that i'm doing it, I'm not even sure anymore if I enjoy it.I feel overwhelemed, anxious, lack confidence.... Is it me? Is it the job? Is it the Location? Does every body feels the same way about their jobs?

I'm stuck because I am an adult and isn't this what I am supposed to do?

If i were to quit...what am I going to do next? I can't just not do anything...(although most days, that's the only options I would like to have.) I wish I was 10 years younger, because in your 20's, it's OK to go from job to job, to not know what you want to do with your life....but I am going to be 30...I have to settle. Be responsible. But does it mean, I shouldn't be happy?

I want to escape it all. This feeling of unworthyness, this constant anxiety of not being good enough or strong enough. I hate myself for feeling this way constantely. I'm tired of making my family angry with my fickleness, I'm tired of making them worry about me.

When is this crappy feeling going to stop?

Is this what being and adult feels like? If so, I don't want to be an adult.

I'm So sick

Well there it is. I'm  sick. Actually, I've been sick since hmmmmm Christmas I think. I caught a cold before Christmas and it seems like it is still lingering. Every week, I have headaches, runny nose, low energy. Sometimes I feel good, but that usually last 2-3 days and then the cold starts again.

I've tried everything...but now i'm so sick of being sick. My nose hurts so much, my skin is so tight and dry, my hair lost its shine, my nails breaks easily, i'm always dehydrated, I have sores in my nose from blowing it too much, it feels like I got punched in the nose.

bbblllllaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh

I'm so sick of winter. This year was aweful. It's like we got 5 winters in 1. But you all know that.

On a lighter note.

I started my new job on January 6. It has been 2 months now and I quite enjoy it. The people are really nice and i'm learning so much from them too. I feel like i'm growing as a funeral Director where as before I felt stuck.  I meet families, I do funerals, I  do prep work, I do everything, I work sometimes 14 hours a day. I work 8 days in a row before I get 1 day off. But I like it and i'm doing it all without having anxiety attacks.

I don't know if it's because my meds finally kicked in, but i'm good right now. Morning are not hard, and I enjoy my work. But when I have a day off, my body just collapses from the sickness. So that sucks.

I started going Tanning and it seems to help me feel a bit better and relaxes my tired muscles. But I want to feel better soon!

I am currently In the market of being a condo. it's stressful ahahah I found the perfect place but the bank won't approve me for a mortgage until my probation at work is over...which is in June. So i'm hoping it will still be in the market by then. I really like that place and it is in my price range (which is really low btw). Keep finger cross.

It's silly, but i can't wait to live on my own again. I miss my cat (who is currently living at my sister's) and I miss my rhythm. The quietness of things. And I want to decorate the place! make it my own!!

In June, I will also be running a 5km again. It's the same thing as Run or Dye, which I did last year. You run and they throw colors at you, at the end you look like a messy rainbow ahaha I don't think i'll be running much of it. I'm so out of shape, but i'll do my best and it will be a start. I'll run it with Phenix ahahah

So far nothing really exciting in happening. I work a lot, but it's good. I spend time with my family, and that's good. I am  thinking about my future more and making long term plans (like buying a house), and that's good.

I'm SO sick....but i'm good!